Question: My 26 year old Christian son has just told us through an email me. that he is going to get married. He just met this girl 3 months ago. He has always wanted to be married and have lots of children. All of his friends are encouraging this marriage. He is a fine Christian.
We do not feel good about this. We believe our son is making a big mistake. My husband has written to him and warned him about this girl. We love our son. He has told us that he will get married whether we come to the wedding or not. Will we be sinning if we go to the wedding? How can I feel joyful when I feel dread? Concerned mom.
Answer: I know that it is hard to stand back and watch our adult children make what we consider to be a mistake. The first thing you need to do is to remind yourself that your son is an adult, and is therefore responsible to God for the choices he makes. You cannot make choices for him.
Parents need to raise their children as best as they can before God. Pray for them before you have them and everyday thereafter. Raise them around God’s Word and in a good Bible believing and teaching church. After that, you have to trust God to fulfill His promises. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6).
Speaking from experience, this is a hard thing to do!!!
You have already warned him, so you have done all you can do except continue to pray for him and for this girl.
I agree that marriage is very serious! However, I cannot emphasize enough that who your son marries is a choice that he has to make.
As a word of warning, you have to be very careful as to what you say to your son! If you are too adamant about him not marrying this girl, you risk alienating him. Then, if and when bad times come, he will not feel free to come to you for advice, love, or comfort. You could also cause him to be more determined to marry this girl – no matter what. Also, if they get married, and your daughter-in-law does not feel welcomed by you, then he will also be uncomfortable around you and this could cause a breach in your relationship with your son. Remember, once he gets married, your son and his wife are “one” before God! “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24).
If your son marries this girl, she will be your daughter-in-law. You will need to show her love for your son’s sake, and also to be a Christian testimony to her and your son.
If this girl is not a Christian, then your son will need your support more than ever as he establishes himself as the godly head of his house and becomes the Christian husband that his wife needs.
Should you attend the wedding? If at all possible, yes!! Your son needs you more than ever! He needs your support and to know that you will always be there no matter what! His wife needs to know that you will not try to come between them.
Ask the Lord to give you His joy and His love for this girl. Also, continue to pray. If this marriage should not be – then God can stop it. He can still perform miracles.
I remember a time, several years ago, when Gary was making a decision that I felt was totally wrong. I even thought it was a decision spurred by the devil. We had fought about it for weeks, and were even thinking of at least separating. I was fasting and praying about this situation, when the phone rang. It was a person calling to tell Gary that what he wanted to do was going to have to be postponed. While Gary was on the phone, the Lord spoke to me and told me that Gary was His child, and that God was in control. I needed to take my hands off. God could cancel the meeting, postpone the meeting, or let the meeting go on. I was not in control, and needed to take my hands off.
Ultimately, the meeting took place. Gary was proven right in pursuing this. I had gotten everything wrong when I tried to take the headship away from Gary. When I allowed Gary to have his rightful place in our marriage, God restored peace to our family.
I need to repeat that as a parent of an adult child, you can give advice, pray continuously, and then keep loving and showing your love to your children!
God bless you as you seek God for the love, joy, and support that your family needs at this time.
In Christian love,
Marlene Panell
For more information email me.
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