Verbal Abuse in Marriage

Question: I was doing a search regarding verbal abuse in a marriage and the God’s feelings about the issue when I found your page.

My husband and I have been married almost four years, God willing, and I have made mistakes. He is extremely abusive verbally and because of that I have had issues being sexual with him. In fact I’m not sure if we’ve had sexual relations over 20 times throughout our marriage.

No matter what, I can’t seem to show him how his verbal jabs affect me and hurt me. I feel completely unattracted to him sexually. He is rude to me and embarrasses me publicly by talking down to me and raising his voice to show he’s in charge. My dad stated years ago that he talks to me like I’m his child. (I’m 40 years old)

To show off I’ve talked back to him publicly as well when he behaves like this and we just end up in big fights. He doesn’t seem to ever take responsibility for how much he hurts me and the rudeness. I’m afraid he likes to fight. We can never just talk and seek help and be kind and loving.

He seems to prefer fighting and getting drunk which increases his need to fight. Over the years I’ve come to realize the fights are just what he enjoys and try not to participate. I try to tell him about what I believe to be a negative affect alcohol has on him and that leads nowhere.

I feel guilty and I am guilty that I have no desire to have sex with him. The Bible says my body is not my own. I’ve broken that rule. I even think of past sexual relationships often because I am so emotionally and physically unfulfilled. I am lost. He just texted me he was done with me and our relationship. (Another drunken mean verbally abusive moment.)

He also has another side to his personality where he is loving to me and our dog but he never ceases to stop jabbing at me. It’s either in jest to just out right putting me down or fighting, fighting, fighting. To others he is a wonderful amazing person, but privately not so nice to me.

What can I do? I want a marriage God approves of, and I want us both to be fulfilled. I want to be sexual with him but his constant rudeness, short temper, mean cut offs, and demeaning behavior that seems to love friends more than family makes it so hard for me. Please pray for us.

We don’t have a local church and work for the same company. In fact I think he is going to cheat on me tonight with another woman because he is partying at a club and told me he hates his life because of me and is turning off his phone because he’s done. He cheated on me this way with another woman prior to us getting married. In fact the entire night was curious. We had a nice phone conversation earlier. I sinned later by thinking of past sexual encounters.

Then he calls and asks if I got a message from him. When I said I didn’t receive the message, the verbal onslaught was crazy. Despite trying to show him kindness in the face of such abusive language, he kept escalating things. Right now I still don’t know what he was so, angry about.

He didn’t want to be placated or even to talk just to yell and say crazy things to me. I really need some Christian words, some advise, some love. I’m afraid I am at fault for denying my husband and am the cause of this. If he leaves me and dissolves our marriage does this mean I can never have God’s blessing to be married again and happy. I have not been truly happy in this relationship.

It was wrong to marry a person that is so angry and loves to fight. I’m not really sure why I did. He seems so happy on the outside. I couldn’t imagine he would treat his wife with such hate and disrespect. Thankfully we have no kids to witness the verbal abuse.

Answer: Thank you for your letter and questions. The first thing we need to talk about is: are you and your husband saved? I have given a brief prayer to pray if you are not sure. The next thing is to know that if he is committing adultery or has committed adultery you are free to divorce.

It sounds like you have been though a lot in four years of ‘marriage.’ But the only ground for divorce according to the Bible is sexual immorality of any kind, on his part, in your case. Of course, you can separate for other things, but divorce is reserved for immorality (homosexuality, adultery, etc.)

Then, too, you need a good church home that believes the Word of God. Read your Bible everyday and pray for yourself and your marriage. By the way, we have many articles and discussion questions on www.bible-christian.org that have to do with your type of situation.

We will be praying, Gary and Marlene Panell

Going to heaven is as simple as A B C!

dmit that we have sinned. “… for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God … (Romans 3:23)

elieve on the Lord Jesus Christ. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household. (Acts 16:31)

onfess with our mouth. “… that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” (Romans 10: 9-10)

Pray this prayer: God, I admit I have sinned. I believe Jesus your Son loves me and died on the cross for my sins. I am sorry for my sins, and turn from them right now. I receive Jesus Christ as my Savior, Amen. . 
See also: 

Heaven-How to Get There 
What Does it Mean to be Born Again? 
Will Heaven be One Eternal Church Service? 
My Testimony 

Follow up to this question: Thank you for responding to me so quickly. My husband and i are both saved. At times he seems to be a believer and at times he seems not to be, but we need get baptized and he asked God into his heart.

I’m afraid his love of friends, alcohol and women keep him one leg in the relationship and one leg out. I’m not sure if he has committed adultery since we’ve been married. I do know he loves women, flirting and inappropriate conversations. My thoughts about past sexual acts with other men have been an inappropriate sin on my part.

When he drinks he becomes a mean monster and verbally takes all the love out of me. We live in south Florida and have been to churches that turned out to be not of God. He uses that as an excuse not to go anymore. Please keep us in your prayers. He still hasn’t come home yet since last night’s fight and I’m not sure when he will.

Answer: I would like to suggest that you try attending a Calvary Chapel Church. We attend one here. They are Bible-based. Most are teaching through the Bible verse by verse.

We copied information for this person’s area of local Calvary Chapels. If you go on the web and put in Calvary Chapel of the city you are looking for, you will probably be able to locate a Calvary Chapel close to where you live.

Calvary Chapel usually offers counseling also. This can be for an individual or for marriage.

Personally, if you don’t see any fruit in a person’s life, it’s kind of hard to say they are really a committed Christian. Christianity is more than saying a prayer of acceptance or being put under some water in a baptismal ceremony. It is a relationship with Christ.

That means a daily reading of the Bible and praying. It also means fellowshipping with other Christians. If a person prays to accept Christ in their heart and lives, but there is no difference afterwards, then it is just words. The Bible says that a Christian cannot continually sin.

Christians sin, but they ask God to forgive them (1 John 1:9). If a person keeps committing the sin over and over again, then they really haven’t repented of their sin. It’s like they think they’ve bought a fire insurance policy, which will keep them out of hell — but otherwise don’t feel they need God or His Word. God is Holy. He is loving and forgiving. That doesn’t mean we can walk all over Him, and think we are one of His. God put up with a lot from the Israelites when they left Egypt, but God judged them whenever they took His Holiness lightly.

The Bible also talks about adulterers and drunkards not being a part of His Kingdom. If a person is living that way, then they are really not a Christian, or God will be judging them soon because He will not let His children live that way for long. God is the only one who can judge the heart and knows where a person stands. All we can do is be fruit inspectors.

I trust this helps you. We will be praying for you and your husband. God hates divorce. He wants to be invited into the marriage and make it a strong bond with Him at the center. If you haven’t invited God to be the center of your life and your marriage, you need to do that first. Then pray for your husband and watch God work in His life as you stand back and let Him have His way with your husband.

Keep praying. Trust God. Keep us posted so we can continue to pray for you!

Gary and Marlene Panell

For more information email me [email protected]