Question: My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 3 years. We have broken up 1 or 2 times in the 3 years. I have 2 kids by other men and 1 that I have adopted. He has 1 of his own. I love him so much and I know he loves me also. We often talk about getting married, but it has not happened yet. Lately we have been fighting about everything, and the last fight got pretty bad. He went to jail. I am so depressed without him. He wants to marry me, but doesn’t want to because he cannot buy me a ring. What should I do?
Answer: First of all, I cannot tell you what to do. I can only take you to God’s Word, and trust you will listen to Him. You have raised several things that give me concern.
1. You are living with a man, but you are not married. God’s Word speaks directly against this.
2. You have 2 children from different men, and your boyfriend also has a child from a different woman.
3. You are fighting, even to the point where there is physical violence happening.
4. The 4 children between the two of you are being exposed to verbal and apparently physical abuse that is going on between you and your boyfriend.
“Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4) When a man and woman get married, God blesses that marriage. God says the marriage bed is undefiled. In other words, a married couple is not sinning when they have sex. Sex outside of marriage is sin. Unconfessed and unforgiven sin will be judged by God.
The first thing you must do is stop sinning, confess this sin to God, and seek His forgiveness. “that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” (Romans 10:9-10)
I don’t know if you are a Christian or not, since your question didn’t say. If not, there is no better time than now to accept Christ as your Savior!! You need to begin by admitting that you are a sinner. “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God…”(Romans 3:23)
You need to acknowledge that God loves you enough that He sent His Son, Jesus to die in your place. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:16, 17)
Then you need to receive the gift of forgiveness that God has offered you. “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 6:23)
Once you have asked God to forgive you of your sins and have asked Jesus to come into your heart, you are then a child of God. “But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, to those who believe in His name…” (John 1:12)
Now, you need to get your eyes off of yourself. You have 3 children who need you to be an example to them. God has entrusted these children to you, and it is your responsibility to lead them to God and His Word. “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
You start by being a godly example to your children. Then you lead them in Bible study and prayer in the home. (This means your home needs to be centered around Christ.) You also need to take them to Sunday School and Church in a good, Bible-believing church.
Whether your boyfriend is the one God has for you or not, I cannot answer. However, I do know that you cannot continue to live together without being married. Besides being sin, it is a bad example for your children. If you get depressed when your boyfriend is not there, then you need to get your eyes on God. Your boyfriend cannot and will not be your savior. Only God can be that!!
When your children see you and your boyfriend fight; that is exposing them to something they should not be exposed to. Marriage was setup to be an example of our relationship to God. “And Adam said: ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.’ Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:23, 24)
It’s a little hard for me to imagine God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit ever getting into a fight, let alone actually getting physical with each other. That does not mean that husbands and wives do not ever disagree. We are, after all still human, and live in a sinful world. But it does mean that we resolve our differences without getting physical or verbally abusing each other! This can only happen as we allow God to control our lives.
My suggestion is that you and your boyfriend sit down over God’s Word and discuss what your spiritual condition is. Both of you need to receive Christ as your Savior!! Then you must separate. You cannot live together in sin. Once you have determined if you can make a commitment before God to each other, then get married, or go your separate ways. Begin going to church. Raise your children in a godly home where they will have opportunities to see Christ in your life, and to receive Christ into their own life.
Surround yourself with godly people. Find someone who has known Christ for several years who can help you learn God’s Word. Study God’s Word daily. Pray over everything. Even when we feel we have made a mess of our lives, God is able to make it into something good. “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
I know that what I am saying is not easy. It can only be done in God’s strength. Do you have family who can give you emotional and physical support? If not, God will provide a church, a mission, or someone who will be able to help you. Remember God forgives you of your sin when you ask. Then He provides the strength to live for Him day by day.
We will be praying for you,
Marlene Panell
For more information email me.
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