Question: Is it ok to leave a husband who can’t provide financially for his wife? What should a Christian wife do if her Christian husband can’t provide for her financially?
Answer: A divorce should never be our first solution when we have a problem in our marriage. God has stated in Malachi that He hates divorce. If we truly want to follow God, then divorce should not even be in our vocabulary. “For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one’s garment with violence.” (Malachi 2:16a)
In Matthew we see Joseph contemplating divorcing Mary when he learns she is pregnant. In the Jewish culture, Joseph and Mary were married, except they had not consummated the marriage. Joseph listened to God instead of just taking matters into his own hands and doing what a “normal” man would do. “Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly.” (Matthew 1:19)
Jesus addresses divorce: “Furthermore it has been said, Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce. 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:31-32)
Jesus is again asked to address the issue of divorce: “The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?’
4 And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh ? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
7 They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” 8 He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-9)
A parallel passage is found in Mark “Then He arose from there and came to the region of Judea by the other side of the Jordan. And multitudes gathered to Him again, and as He was accustomed, He taught them again. 2 The Pharisees came and asked Him, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?’ testing Him. 3 And He answered and said to them, ‘What did Moses command you?’ 4 They said, ‘Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to dismiss her.’
5 And Jesus answered and said to them, “Because of the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. 6 But from the beginning of the creation, God made them male and female. 7 For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh ; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10:1-9)
Paul also addresses divorce in Corinthians: “Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy купить набор кастрюль по акции. 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. 16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save yourhusband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:10-16)
The Bible makes it very clear that God hates divorce and does not allow for divorce except for unfaithfulness or the spouse is an unbeliever and refuses to continue to be married.
The question as to whether the husband cannot provide for his wife being a basis for divorce-the answer is clear-it is not a reason for divorce!!
Now, why is your husband not able to support you financially? Does your husband work купити сковорідку? The Bible makes it clear that a man needs to work. “He who has a slack hand becomes poor, but the hand of the diligent makes rich.” (Proverbs 10:4) “For even when we were with you, we commanded you this: If anyone will not work, neither shall he eat.” (2 Thessalonians 3:10)
Does your husband work, but just have a low paying job? Is there a way to get a pay raise by getting more training or education? Does he have training for a higher paying job? Do you have a job? With the economy the way it is now, it usually takes two incomes to support a family.
There is nothing wrong with a woman working to help support the family постільна білизна від виробника. Proverbs 31:10-31 describes a good wife. She is one who works to help support her family.
How much financial support are you expecting your husband to provide? Is your house adequate or are your wanting something bigger and better? Are you satisfied with what you have, or do you want more and better things?
The economy right now is not good. All families will need to do things to cut back on spending дропшиппинг. Use coupons, combine trips, shop for the best deals, repair things and use them longer rather than buy new, and don’t use credit cards to buy things. Really consider whether or not you need this new ‘thing’ or could you do without it?
As you and your husband join together in prayer, don’t be afraid to ask God to supply for your needs. Together you can work on ways to get your money to go further.
If you do not have enough food-there are organizations which can help. Start with your family, your church family, and then food banks and missions.
We will be praying for you and your husband, but please don’t be another купить постельное белье one of Satan’s statistics when it comes to divorce and the break up of the family!
God bless you,
Marlene Panell
For more information [email protected]
My husband doesn’t want me to hold his bank card……what must l do.. l dont understand that…..need help
Hi Juliet, My wife thinks he is paranoid or just doesn’t trust you. Tell us what you think it is. Thanks, Gary and Marlene Panell
With if my husband doesn’t want to work but all he wants to do is play his cunga and ask for donations, do I support that? He also has his own business doing the same thing but for different nursing homes when he gets the gigs, do I support that and keep giving him money when he’s broke?
Hi Caronica, I wouldn’t support this type of thing. Do you guys go to church? Write when you can. Brother Gary
After much searching,for a Christian based answer to my questions & issues,this article was the closest I found. Although,my husband does not work,& has not had a steady income in almost 8 years. I’m falling out of love. I find it hard to respect him and I am becoming very resentful. I work 2 jobs,& am doing the bulk of the cooking,cleaning & caring for the children. I’m so stressed it’s nothing short of a miracle that I haven’t had a breakdown. I’ve talked with him about these issues many times,& we don’t get anywhere. Is it really worth it to hold on to our marriage hoping he will step up and be the man our family needs him to be? Because I’ve been holding on & hoping & praying & carrying all this weight & unhappiness on my shoulders for years already….is it really worth my continued stress & unhappiness when he shows NO effort???
Dear Lola, Hi, why isn’t he working? Are you Christians? Do you read your Bible and Pray every day? Do you go to a good Bible believing church? Sometimes the woman has to take the lead spiritually if the husband is not willing to take his responsibility. That would mean that even if he doesn’t go to church you have to do that, not only for your own spiritual good, but your need of fellowship of other Christian believers who can give you support. It sounds like you are not getting that from your husband. Please write us and we will give more advice once we know more about your situation. Brother Gary and Sister Marlene
Am in the same situation as Lola, we both go to church and are Christians, but the situation is killing me, need further advice
Hi Rose, Thank you for your comments and question. Really, it is one thing to just go to church and to be Christians. We have to sell ourselves out to the Lord Jesus not to get to heaven, but to live out the life in the Holy Spirit each day. If your husband doesn’t want to sell himself out to the Lord, you go ahead and do it by yourself. Sometimes they will come along later, but even if he doesn’t you can live for God as He intended you to do. Think of how many godly women have given themselves to God even when it hurt, even if no one else went with them. Think of Corrie Ten Boom, and Nora lam from the movie China Cry. If you don’t have these movies or books, I suggest you get them.
Another pastor and myself are working with a lady right now, that has been abandoned by her ‘husband’, but she is seeking the Lord with all her heart. We were praying with her last night at her house. It turns out she has had some bitterness for her mom who is a terrible ‘mom’. She poured her heart out to us, and we reminded her of Jesus Model prayer and right after that He says if you do not forgive others, God will not forgive you. Then the King that forgave a man of a huge debt, but then he went out and would not forgive someone for the little bit they owed him, and what Jesus said about that.
It is true, I don’t know what you are going thru, but God does. He loves you so much more than anyone here on earth. Why not give yourself to Him not just for salvation, as it sounds like you are already saved, but to truly be married to Him as the bride of Christ. Take from Him the love He has for you, then you will see Him do miracles for you and your marriage.
Here are some verses that might help: “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. 14 You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. 17 These things I command you, that you love one another.” John 15:13-16
Write whenever you can, brother Gary
Hi Rose and Lola, please consider the advice provided by brother Gary.
Once you take into heart comments such as the one provided by Sali, one would have to question the whole intention, including the fact that although we often fool ourselves by thinking we can fight any war on our own the fact remains, only with God can we ever even be in a position to stand our ground. Eph 6: 10 – 18
Thank you Bongani, Thru the years since almost 2000 we have had hundreds of letters on this subject of wives wanting to divorce husbands. Almost always without fail it boils down to the spiritual. That is why I will ask them right away how is your church life, do you go regularly? How about your Bible reading do you do this every day? Are you praying every day? Are you confessing your sins to God? Are you forgiving each other 1 Cor. 13. When I don’t hear back sometimes, it’s because they don’t want to face the spiritual aspect of their lives, but this is where God starts in His Word. We need to be born again living for the Lord, and marriage is still hard.
Only with God’s help can we be victorious and live a godly Christian life and marriage. I like to explain it like this: Think of marriage as a triangle, with God at the top and the husband and wife on either side at the bottom. If both the husband and wife are climbing toward God they will become closer together, but as they get further away from God, their lives will be further away from each other, and their marriage will start falling apart. Then when they turn back to God, and follow the triangle toward God they will find their marriage improving. So often though people don’t understand this spiritual aspect or don’t want to believe the spiritual is the root of their problems. Those who do, and start following God’s principles from His Word they will have a wonderful marriage. The finances, or sex life are not really the root to the problems, even though these are important.
The other main problem that happens in marriages is that one person will respond to the Lord and the spiritual, but the other one won’t. They even find that one is saved and the other is not. In this case there is a whole other aspect that has to be dealt with. So often in this scenario the one either has to get saved or one has to separate. In which case people say, oh God hates divorce, but we don’t suggest divorce unless there is continual sexual immorality. However, we do suggest separation sometimes because, there are women who are going thru ‘hell’ on earth. So often women will only take it, and even be killed or die early, after much abuse. This is not of God and never did God say they had to be a martyr for marriage. So, thank you for supporting what we teach from the Bible. This is just a short overview of what we have seen thru the years.
After people repent and get their lives in order with regular church attendance, prayer, Bible reading, confession, etc. they will see their lives and marriages changing for the better. Oh yes, sometimes their marriage will dissolve because one or both will not follow God’s principles, but people have a free will. Some have gone too far into immorality or hatefulness, but that is free will also, God will not force us to go His way. He does invite us to listen to Him and His Word. If we will do this all will go well in the end for our lives and our marriages. God bless you Bongani, Brother Gary
I am in the same situation as Lola, worse part is that my husband and I are pastoring a church and at the same time im still in varsity. This problem affects all other aspects of our marriage. im so tired.
Which Rose are you referring to?
Hi mbali.
I’d like to know how u r now with ur husband. I am in a very similar situation although a little worse. I’m just fed up and very frustrated.
Hi Mpan, People please pray. Gary
My husband works 2 jobs and very hard. But, we have low income. He wants me to just stay at home and cook, clean and pleasure him when asked. What shall I do?
Hi Asia, Do you know why you he doesn’t want you to work? Brother Gary
I am in a similar situation with Lola. We are both born again , we go to Church and Christ is our priority.
However; when it goes to providing for the family; my husband appears disinterested. When I ask; he quickly jumps to the defence. He likes it easy. He is quick to borrow money and doesn’t pay back. We are currently going through a court case where he borrowed money and was unable to pay back. He was arrested and remanded for a day forcing the family and myself to borrow money to bail him out.
When he borrowed the money he didn’t inform me as his wife; I only realized when there were threats to arrest him.
I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and he hasn’t saved up anything to cater for the hospital bill. Our 5yr old son is in school, he never plans on his fees, our daily food, shelter and I keep on wondering whether this is normal. I am afraid. Cecilia.
Hi Cecilia, Sometimes a wife has to take over spiritual leadership if the husband is not going to do what God has told him to do. Pray that God will give you wisdom to do what He wants. Brother Gary Look at Deborah in the Old Testament as your example.
I have a similar story but my husband has gained 200 pounds in 2 years and his health is impacted accordingly.
Hi R, why do you think he is gaining so much weight? Write when you can. Gary
I sure hope his gaining weight is not an issue, because I’m sure you weren’t that skinny either. If so you’re shallow.
Thanks for your comment.
I have a friend from church that has lived in poverty for years because her husband is a leach that lives off of her small disability check. This woman loves God but her husband, who claims to be a Christian, has even stood between her and her children from her first marriage. She married him before she became a Christian. She looks depressed every time I see her. It’s NOT that he can’t work…He WON’T work. She has phyaical problems that keep her from being able to work. Her daughter stayed in over 20 foster homes during her teen years because this man didn’t want her around. God says a man that won’t (not can’t) provide for his family is worse than an infidel. He’s unrepentant and if he has money in his pocket it’s “his” and he won’t lift a finger to help her. So what’s hers is his, AND what’s his is his also. I’m not sure there’s no grounds to divorce here, and yes I do read my bible. I would not ever suggest or encourage divorce under normal circumstances. But he’s sucked her dry long enough. He’s never worked a day their entire married life and misuses the money she lives on.
This is more information I didnt mention in my first comment: Her daughter, now grown, is moving away, and has tried to help her Mom. She blames her mother for not defending her from this man when he kept sending her away but understands that her mother felt trapped. I know this is long but this whole situation is complicated. The daughter has asked me to intervene if possible. I would never do that, stand between a husband and wife, unless I saw that this woman is being emotionally abused and getting more and more depressed. She loves God and never blames God for her problems. She knows marrying that man was a bad choice on her part. But he’s beaten her up emotionally for so long she has no more fight left in her. If for some reason she lost her monthly check and food stamps, he’d leave her high and dry. There’s no doubt in my, or her daughter’s, mind, about that. So is there ever a time to say “enough is enough”, even though the offense may not be adultery?? (And she couldn’t say for sure that he hasn’t done that, only that if he did, she doesn’t know about it)
So is there ever a time to say “enough is enough”, even though the offense may not be adultery?? (And she couldn’t say for sure that he hasn’t done that, only that if he did, she doesn’t know about it)
Hi Concerned Christian, to get to the point, Yes, there is a time to say ‘enough is enough.’ We always look for the way of forgiveness, but many who we have written to have had to leave their spouse. Brother Gary
Hi Concerned Christian, All we are writing about is what the Bible says. What people decide is between them and God. So often a person who made a mistake the first time in their marriage will jump into something as bad or worse the second time, if they don’t seek God’s face. Thanks for your comments, Gary
So she can work but gripes about being in poverty? Sounds like it’s more in her court for having a disability, to begin with. If she can work it’s on her to do so. If he doesn’t work that’s up to him as to why. Is he disabled too? Maybe physically or mentally maybe?
She sounds like someone who’s expectations were too high!
Interesting
I tend to agree with you. There comes a time when the prolonged sadness leads to depression and the multiple jobs lead to chronic fatigue and the woman cannot be good for the kids or others I believe God expects more from us then showing the world we are martyrs (or stupid as the world would describe us). How is that an example of God’s love for you?
I have been contemplating legal separation so my husband can learn what it takes to live on his own. Then maybe he will learn what God would have him learn about the need to work and provide in order to eat?
If he elects to convert legal separation into divorce, that is on him. I do not believe God supports passive, lazy men to negatively impact the emotional welfare of a woman. A man is commanded to love his wife as himself. This is not following that command.
Do not confuse the Christian/non-Christian passage with the supposed Christian/Christian scenario. If the woman stays married in her heart during the legal separation or ultimate divorce should the man choose, God will know. The man ideally will learn what God can teach him during separation or he will not, it’s his choice. Emotional abuse is no different then physical abuse, eventually it leads to death of the person!
Hi Debbie, I tend to agree with you. Brother Gary
My husband and I are in the same situation. I feel less respect for him because he doesn’t provide. I’m holding on, praying and talking to him about how I feel. But, to no avail. It’s embarrassing to go to friends or family, so I feel alone, and slightly depressed.
Hi Azure, there are several other letters like this one on the same subject, maybe they could help. Brother, Gary
Your response to the questions from this dear women,were questions, that were basically a joke. What do you think,the guy will Not work he will Not even help out around the house. Do they pray ? Is not that the man of the homes job ? Better questions to help her, was he always that way. If not luck him to the curb ! Do it soon do it now !
Hi Vince, I hope you don’t leave your day job to become a counselor. We don’t just kick them to the curb, we try to give them good godly counselling
from God’s Word the Bible. In Christian love, Gary
Lola, how can you allow this man treat you in that fashion? You are providing for the family with 2 jobs, PLUS cooking cleaning and caring for the kids. Since he doesn’t want to do his job as a man, then the best thing is to kick him out or leave him. I’m not talking divorce here, just separation until he grows up and man up. As long as you continue to allow him to take advantage of you and treat you like a mat to walk on, he will never change. Eventually, you will end up with a nervous breakdown. I have a friend who did, because she did exactly what you did. The poor woman temporarily ended up in a mental institution. That will happen to you if you don’t take action.
Hi Sali, thank you for your answer, did you see what I wrote? Gary
Why would he work if your his provider? A man that won’t provide will not eat in our house! Been married a while and this works best. Shut off cable, internet and don’t pay his phone bill. Should work to get him to get a job, seek counseling and talk with him and put boundaries out there for him to step up or ship out!
Hi Maryanne, You have some good advice. I would add to that that it all goes back to the Spiritual. If a person is saved, then they need to be in church growing spiritually. That would include, reading your Bible and praying everyday. A person who does these things are less likely to not be working and living in sin. Be blessed, Brother Gary
I’d ask are you holding your expectations too high? I mean are you too old-fashioned to think that only men work and women only stay home or? If so maybe you need to change those expectations to come up to modern days, where the women work and men stay at home more.
Also, is he disabled, either physically, or mentally, maybe there are other reasons he’s not been able to work?
Does he have a criminal record that keeps him from finding decent long-term employment, and if he’s disabled or partially disabled maybe what he could find he can’t physically do? Ever think of that?
Bible says you can’t fall out of love especially for someone or something you truly loved to begin with.
As it said you can’t divorce except for sexual immorality.
People don’t hire office workers especially now day’s when they have a record so maybe instead of being super critical maybe might try to be a bit more understanding.
I take it you’re leaving out more to the puzzle so we can’t truly answer what you’re not willing to show.
Is he not doing things around the house for reasons? Almost sounds like he’s mentally disabled maybe depression etc…
Some food for thought.
Here’s a better more clear BIBLICAL answer.
https://www.allaboutgod.com/role-of-husband-in-the-bible.htm
Hi Cheda, Looks like good advice, but we are trying to help people where the husband is not following the rules of God. Thank you, Gary
Lola, is he working yet?
You summed up my pain. It is challenging and difficult. He questions everyone else but won’t take work unless it is his family’s.
I keep praying.
Martina, we will pray for you and your husband. Brother Gary
Pls my is obstinate ,disrespectful and is not in anyway contributing to peace at home due to her own mother is poisoning her mind.working cannot contributing to the family.what do I do?.
We are instructed to forgive people no matter what they have done to us. This is easy to say, but another thing to actually do it, as you know. I am thinking of several times where someone was raped or killed. I am thinking of things people have done to me, or you may be thinking about what has been done to you. You may have even been molested or abused as a child by an adult. So often it is a relative that does this, or a ‘close friend of the family’ who does the abusing. You might be thinking how could anyone forgive such people, or how could I?
Then we come back to what Jesus said, ‘For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’ This is strong language, but God means this, and it is a sobering thought. Then as we read on in the same chapter as we started with, where Peter’s question came up; Jesus, with this following parable of the unforgiving servant, goes right to the heart of the matter:
“Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents [for example ten million dollars]. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children all that he had, and that payment be made.
“The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii [let’s say ten dollars]; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’
“So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘ Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done.
“Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.’” (Matthew 18: 23-35)
This story illustrates very well how God through Jesus’ death on the cross has paid our full debt, which is way beyond what we could every pay for our sins. Then should we go out and ‘as it were’ grab people by the throats, and say to them pay up! How can we do this when Christ has forgiven us so much?! How often we do this same sort of thing, that the wicked servant did! God cannot, and will not forgive us, if we will not forgive others!
He says to us, even before we go to have the Communion again, we are to forgive from our hearts all those who have wronged us. “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)
St. Paul says about the Communion: “Therefore whoever eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For he who eats and drinks in an unworthy manner eats and drinks judgment to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body. For this reason many are weak and sick among you, and many sleep. For if we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged.” (1 Corinthians 11:27-31)
Jesus as He was dying on the cross asked the Father to forgive those who were crucifying Him. “Then Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.’” (Luke 23:34) Thus, Jesus left us an example of how we should forgive no matter what! Stephen, the first Christian martyr, as he was being stoned to death gives us an example of how a spirit filled Christians responds to those who sin against them, “.he was calling on God and saying, ‘Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.’ Then he knelt down and cried out with a loud voice, ‘Lord, do not charge them with this sin.’ And when he had said this, he fell asleep.” (Acts 7:59-60)
Yes, only God can help us forgive. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ ‘But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons [daughters] of your Father in heaven.’” (Matthew 5:43-45a) We can’t do it in our own strength, but as we pray for people, God will give us the grace to forgive, no matter, or how many times they sin against us!
Thanks for the question,
Gary T. Panell
For more information email me at [email protected]
Gary, may I respectfully say Jude from March 29 never said he wasn’t forgiving his wife, he only said she is NOT contributing in any way to the good of the household. I don’t think the bible says to put up with bad behavior no matter what. For example, a father spanks a child but not because he doesn’t forgive the child. If he does it in the right way, he’s teaching the child right from wrong and that there’s consequences for bad behavior. No one would expect a parent to ignore a child or neglect to discipline him as he turns furniture over or smears paint on a wall just to get his way. This wife is doing things to hurt the atmosphere of the home and may continue doing so no matter how much he forgives her. Sounds like the mother-in-law is the culprit here and the daughter, Jude’s wife, has no backbone. Forgiveness is key, no matter what, but it sounds like Jude needs more practical advice, backed up by scripture, or he may lose even more ground in his family. This is months later and hopefully he’s done some positive things to turn things around.
Hi Lin, Thanks for your comments. Gary
Same here. My husband and i are from different countries but in Africa. He seems to be content with the few thousands he receives that i hardly see it at all even with the rent . Our rent is 5,000, if i get 3,000 from him as his contribution, it is a miracle. He is never bothered that we will be kicked out of the house if we do not pay rent on time, his thinking is that – they will understand. I keep telling him, they won’t understand because the house we rent is business to owners, and if we can’t pay on time, there are other people that can, hence we will be kicked out so that those that can pay take our place. It does not pinch him an inch, to him it is all okay……. He even says, let them come and kick us out. He has this excuse that excuse and yet he has the guts to come home expecting to find food and eat.
What i have decided now is,i sleep in the lounge, he sleeps in the bedroom and the children sleep in their bedroom. i cook for me and the children, we eat it all up, he will know what to eat on his own. He is hardly concerned and always has excuses. I told him to find extra job or do something extra to up his income and take care of us the family but it seems i am beating a drum to a deaf goat. It is not easy. I have resorted into spending more time at church because home has become bitter.
Hi Wanna, Thank you for your letter, but we need some more clarification. No where did I see whether or not you are a Christian or if he is. We really need this information also. Thank you, write as soon as you can. Thanks, Garry
I have made a choice this weekend to ask my husband to leave. We are Christians and I have given my life to my husband and three boys. I am hard worker and most of my adult life I have worked two and three jobs including the cleaning, groceries, cooking, laundry, running the kids to all their activities etc.
I have stayed with my husband through his alcoholic stage and not providing, I have stayed with him through his crystal myth addiction stage and not providing, I have stayed with my husband through his having women over in his garage and going to friends houses to play video games and not coming home stage. I have stayed with him no matter what. I pray daily for him and my boys. He is 47 years old and I cannot remember the last time he had a full time job. It has been years. I have always invited him to family functions and he always has an excuse why he did not make it. I have been called every bad name possible. He recently told me he hopes that I die before him so he can piss and shit on my grave. This morning he called me the devil and that I am Satan because I am breaking up the family. He still claims to be a Christian, because he reads the bible everyday and listens to focus on the family radio and every other preacher on the radio. Yes he can quote the bible but he also can have the bible open sitting on his lap playing the video game black ops killing others while doing it. He can also have the bible open sitting on his lap using cuss words on me. My heart is so heavy although I know in my heart that God is with me and my boys and protecting us.
Hi Josi, Marlene and I doubt that he is even a believer. You have put up with a lot! We have been praying for you. Brother, Garry
This week I have made the choice to leave my husband. We’ve been married for 13 years. We are both Christians and just recently my husband was ordained a Deacon. But, for the last 2 years my husband has not paid any bills in our home. I never had an issue paying majority of the bills since I make the most money and his only responsibility is to pay the mortgage and his car note. Our house is now in foreclosure and he barely pays his car note. We both have full time jobs with benefits and we have 4 kids. I am so upset about the choices he’s made with his money. 1 Timothy 5:8 says a man who doesn’t provide for his immediate family is like a non believer. I’ve confronted him many times about this and he still hasn’t changed. I feel like he is taking advantage of me and I should never feel not covered by my husband. His drinking and smoking habit has caused a problem with his spending as well. Family members has told me he borrows money from them, tells them that I take all his money and doesn’t pay the bills (which is not true). He hasn’t given me any money in over 2 years. So not only does he lie but he munipulates people. I am lost and need to know bibically am I making the right decision.
Hi Dominique, Thank you for your letter. We can tell that you have gone thru a lot. Also, the way he is acting makes you wonder where he is spiritually, because he certainly is not acting like Christ. From what you have told me though, it does not sound like you have grounds for a divorce. This is only when he is living an immoral life. You can pray, and then separate from him if God gives you peace about it. You do not have to be walked on by your husband. If he really loves you, he should be living like Eph. 5 says, submitting to one another in the fear of God. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
4 And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” Eph. 5:21-
You need spiritual support Dominique, do you have someone who can pray with you who will not tell others what is happening?
If you do leave, let him know before hand, in such a way, that you have protection for yourself. By this I mean someone should be ready to help if he gets violent or abusive. If it is very dangerous then you may have to leave and then call or write, etc. We had to help one lady get out before he came home.
Sounds like he does need a wake up call, but you also need to give him hope, that if he gets right with the Lord and proves it by his life, then and only then would you consider coming back to him. If he has been unfaith to you or becomes so in the separation then you would have grounds for divorce from the Bible and God’s instructions. “He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives (husband), but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife (husband), except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” Mt. 19:8,9
We will be praying for you. Write as often as you want. Brother Gary and Sister Marlene
Thank you so much for the advice and the prayers. I didn’t tell anyone about what’s going on because I didn’t want anyone to judge him. Just recently I told my good friend and a friend of the family (both who are married and are Chriatians) only because I was getting frustrated and needed someone to talk to about what I was experiencing. He recently suggested that we get marital counseling only because he thinks I am the reason for his actions. And he truly believes that he is doing nothing wrong. I don’t want to go to counseling because I am afraid that if our Pastor finds out that he is not fulfilling his duties as a Christian man, he will not let my husband serve in the church and honestly I think that is the only thing keeping him together. I see he has some real issues with the experiences he’s had with women including his mother and he’s punishing me for his resentment towards them. I love my husband and I don’t really want to divorce him but I do think we may need to seperate becauae as long as I stay here I don’t think he will do right until he hits rock bottom. I will keep praying for guidance from the Lord. I will make sure I continue to seek sound Christian advice. I have Faith.
Thank you again!
I am so sick. My wife of 6 years divorced me. I would not, could not except it. She had me sign something back in Sept. I didn’t even pay attention to what it was. Turns out as of March 6, 2017 our divorce is final. I didn’t even know it. We are still living together. I have until the 1st of May to be out and have no where to go. I have not been the perfect husband by any means. Made many mistakes. I have taken ownership of every one. No adultery or abuse. I make less money than my wife and she can’t get over it. She is also easily influenced by her mom and family. She had never put me before them.
We are both Christians but I have never been more in touch with my faith.
I have apologized many times but it isn’t changing. She is fighting it hard. We can have a great marriage but she just won’t be optimistic and positive.
I am devastated. I truly believe she will be hell bound for what she did. She had ripped my heart out and she knows what God says about divorce yet she doesn’t seem to care.
I told her we ARE still married in my eyes as well as God’s. She can still fix it before it’s to late but she is very stubborn and worried what her family will think. Very sad.
Please help,
Thank you, Mark
Hi Mark, Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. The thing is, you should have been on your toes more. Evidently, you have been asleep at the wheel for sometime. Your wife has given you a wake up call. It may be too late, but with the Lord there is always hope. If you really want her back I believe you will need to actually leave and woo her all over again. You will need to show her you love her in many different ways. It may be too late, but if you really mean business, and if she has not been unfaithful to you, why not go for it. You need to see the Christian movie “Fire Proof.” (Study it!)
Be praying for you. Brother Gary
I believe the feminist movement has encroached into our church, which has left behind non-biblical teaching such as these very things…leading to men, even those claiming to be Christians expecting their wives to carry part of the load in the household financially. But no where in scripture does it say that the wife is the provider. As a matter of fact the Bible is clear that the man that does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel (1 Timothy 5:8).
And in reference to Proverbs 31:10-31…this is referring to a noble woman who doesn’t go out into the work force, but is wise making & doing things from her home making clothes, to help with extra income, and helping the community. No where can you find it taught that the Christian wife goes outside of the home to help provide income…the man is made to provide and protect. The Bible is clear that the Christian wife is to be the keeper of the home (Titus 2:3-5)
This is why the church is in the state that it is in….correct Biblical teaching is not taught in the percentage of churches, so families struggle leading to divorce, unfortunately.
Hi Sallie, I would say that I agree with a lot that you have said, but there are times that both the husband and the wife do have to work. It is not the ideal, and sometimes it is for the wrong reasons, but other times it is for survival in our society. When our children were young my wife taught them at home, then when they were out of the home, it gave her a chance to go to college and university. Then we both ended up teaching. I do not see that Scripture teaches that a woman should never work outside the home, but it is true that some homes have been harmed by this as well. God bless you, brother Gary
Amen!
This is in response to Sallies post.
Ok
Yes
Amen
Thank you for praying for each other. Gary
My husband met me at church he was doing missionary.we not from same country, He said there is certain money church is giving to him monthly to survive. We were blessed .we got 2 kids he does not support us financially i pay for all expenses. It is not the picture he gave me at first. He said he will provide for the family.its been 7 years. It frustrating me all the time. He always ask money he would say he will do business but not. It is too much to bear. He always complains even about the helper who is helping with children. He got pride. I live by the grace of God in this situation. I think the space would do for him to think straight.
Hello Navie, You knew that he was a missionary, and you married him. How do you have enough money to have someone take care of the children?
If you are both Christians, you need to pray together to solve the problems. Do you go to church? Do you both read the Bible? Do you pray together? Write me as soon as you can with these answers please. Thank you, brother Gary
I have a job, that how i manage to pay someone helping with children. We do pray. We are Christians. Christian Man does not work and provide for his family?
Hi Navie, Why don’t you show him this verse: “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” I Timothy 5:8 Brother, Gary
Thanks.but If still no change.
Thanks.but If still no change.
Dear brother Gary,
Allow me to start off by saying this… I believe in marriage and the Bible supports the union of marriage. It is a holy union and partnership between a man and his woman.
You have a lot of words of advice for these women struggling with men who are not providing for their families. Your advise is to not consider divorce, to hang in there, continue to trust in the Lord, and to look at other ways to make ends meet.
But…you have not addressed the real issue. There are men in God’s kingdom who should be providing for their families but are not doing so. Men who are capable but unwilling to support their families financially.
What words do you have for these men?
Hi Nancy, it is interesting that you say this because here is one I sent out this last week to a man. I usually don’t get to talk to the man, it is usually the wife who writes. Hi —-, Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. The thing is, you should have been on your toes more. Evidently, you have been asleep at the wheel for sometime. Your wife has given you a wake up call. It may be too late, but with the Lord there is always hope. If you really want her back I believe you will need to actually leave and woo her all over again. You will need to show her you love her in many different ways. It may be too late, but if you really mean business, and if she has not been unfaithful to you, why not go for it. You need to see the Christian movie “Fire Proof.” (Study it!)
Be praying for you. Brother Gary
Amen sister! I’m dealing with a lot going on! Once I’m done reading this stuff I will post to see what Mr. Gary has to say about my situation! Blessings to you women who truly try, and trust in Christ, including the men as well! What I have to ask is not many marriages end up in unity! Exactly what god said the husband is to provide!!!
Hi Tammy, I’m glad the articles help. God bless you. Brother Gary
I am also in the same shoe’s as Lola
I foot all d bills in the house from paying rent..electricity..school fees for d kids..buying petrol in both cars and even giving money to my husband..i have invested my pension money on him. Sacrificed my school fees for him to travel out but still no improvement. Though he sells cars but it can take about 3 months to sell just a car. I told him he needs to find something doing that this cannot go on like this. He got angry and told me about d business of cars that is dt not.a job? What even pissed me off recently i was at work and he sent me a message to tell me dt hes stranded somewhere that there’s no petrol in the car. My pastors knows what am going through ..i have fasted and prayed but.still nothing . Am so fed up and i have lost respect for him. Even d bible says a man who can’t take care of his family is worst than an infidel.
Dear Abiodun, Hi, here is how I answered Lola: Dear Lola, Hi, why isn’t he working? Are you Christians? Do you read your Bible and Pray every day? Do you go to a good Bible believing church? Sometimes the woman has to take the lead spiritually if the husband is not willing to take his responsibility. That would mean that even if he doesn’t go to church you have to do that, not only for your own spiritual good, but your need of fellowship of other Christian believers who can give you support. It sounds like you are not getting that from your husband. Please write us and we will give more advice once we know more about your situation. Brother Gary and Sister Marlene
Gary, I have worked very hard, I worked sometimes 14 – 15 hours a day while my wife went to nursing school. I am a tow truck driver for AAA. I help people all day. I’ve been doing it for many years and it is very satisfying work. I put my wife through nursing school. I was doing that when I met my wife. She what’s the one that was pushing me to go to school to get a degree. I love my job I told her I loved my job, or she just couldn’t support me doing what I love. I told her that I would consider it and she took that and ran with it.
I make around $ 60,000 a year. But I do work a lot of hours. I just never seem to be good enough for her. Of course I made some mistakes everyone does. I just really don’t see how me being more on my toes is relevant. This is about a woman that I love and I always loved that wants to throw her husband away because he isn’t good enough for her or her family. Yet it was automatically assumed that I should have been more on my toes. I just didn’t see anywhere that I put in that first message I wrote that I was slacking
Hi Mark, When you signed divorce papers without even looking at them. When it even got to the point that she had to file divorce papers. She was not a happy camper, but you didn’t seem to see it or know it. These are signs that you have been asleep at the wheel. But these things are past, what are you going to do from here on out? Will ask God for help? Will you get into your Bible? Will you start praying as never before? Will you admit you have not been the husband God wanted you to be? Your argument is not with me, but with God. If you don’t see that you have made some serious mistakes, how can God help you? If you don’t want to save your marriage, keep going the way you have been going. Your wife is trying to give you a wake up call. What will you do about it. Brother, Gary
Hello Gary, I just recently got married and i already want to leave. I am a Christian and he goes to church too. Before we got married, he had a job that wasn’t paying so much( he just recently revealed that to me)..now he says he’s not going back to the job, he wants to do business, a business he has no money to execute.
This is someone that wouldn’t or doesn’t want to leave his parent’s house because of the comfort. I’ve been the one taking care of the house, paying the bills….We live right next to his parent and he’s very attached to his mum. He makes and takes decision with his mum. I’m tired and i really want to leave. I feel like I’m just a “figure head” wife.
Gary, there’s just so much to say but I would stop here!
Hi Tope, I know it is hard to look at reality. When you are in love and before marriage things look a lot different. You feel things about the other person, probably the way it is supposed to be, the way God intended. However, once a man is married they sometimes don’t stay the way they were before marriage. Now, several things, and we say these things in love. Yes, you should have looked at him a little more realistically. But love makes us think only the best of people, but now you are seeing reality. He is stuck in habits are not good, and not the way God intended. God says in Genesis “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24
So you are frustrated, because you know in your heart this is not right, how he is living. You need to realize first and foremost that it is spiritual. His problems exist because he is not either truly saved or not right with God. So you have to pray for him and your marriage. Do you have a church pastor that you trust? You can talk to him about it. You need to get into the Word everyday for yourself. If it is not a Bible believing church, look for one, you need the support. Look up on line for the nearest Calvary Chapel. You may end up telling him, if this keeps going the way it is going, I’m going to have to move out and separate from you until you are right with God. Tell him right up front that it is wrong for him to stay at home with his parents and not have a marriage with you, and that you are not going to continue living this way. Don’t mention divorce, but only separation. Tell him that you believe it is a spiritual problem in his life, that he needs to get right with God. He needs to go to church often, start reading the Bible every day and praying, etc. Write when you can and we will be praying. Brother Gary
Hello,
I’m newly married. My husband had a rough past but is now saved and wants to work full time in ministry while I support him and his kids financially. I want to support him but he has 3 children from two previous marriages. I love them but I don’t see that I should take on responsibility for his kids! I dont know how to tell him without hurting him. He has already gone part time and after 6 months wants to be full time. I’m afraid we won’t get enough support from family and friends.
Please help with advice because I have thought several times, even though I love home very much that I want to divorce him…i have not told him this yet.
Please help!
Thank you,
Ministry wife
Hello Sister,
You got married for better or for worse, you need to communicate. You should not think about divorce. Sister Marlene
I have been needing to read something like this. I am married to my second husband and I have 2 kids from my previous marriage. My first marriage ended because he cheated 5 times and he divorced me. My now husband is a good man but drinks beer every single night and has had 6 jobs since march. I work and we are getting evicted because my salary isn’t enough to pay our bills. I do not like divorce and I know God is against it..I have been wondering about his thoughts on my situation and didn’t want to anger God by leaving my husband, my only problems with him is his drinking and not wanting to help me support our family. Pray for us please as God will lead me In the right direction thank you.
Hi Keisha, I understand that you love God and are living for Him, but now we need to get your husband on board. Do you go to church? Even if he doesn’t want you to, you need to obey God and go to church. Your husband needs to go too, but if he won’t you still need to go. See if there is a Calvary Chapel or another Bible believing church in your area, you can look for it on line. Are you reading your Bible and praying every day? You need to see a connection between his drinking and his job performance. Is he saved? Don’t think about divorce, but you may need to start praying about whether you need to find your own place for yourself and the kids. See if he will respond to your pleading for him to start going to church, and give up his drinking. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, 10 nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And such were some of you. But you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.” 1 Cor. 6:9
We have lots of articles on alcohol and its effects on Bible-Christian.org Also, I think you would like the other articles there as well. We will be praying for you and your family. Write again soon and tell us how it is going. God bless you, Gary
Hi Gary
My husband started a business shuttle and tours….he works every day…but can never manage to help me pay the bills….keeps telling me nobody paid him…i have to give some of my money to fill his car with petrol to go get his clients…how do i stay with a person that only wants from me take from me and never gives back..
Hi Ann, Thanks for writing. Many times we get letters like yours. Usually, we find out that either the husband or wife is not saved, (a Christian) or either one or both are not living for the Lord. In other words it turns out that the root is a spiritual problem. Let me ask you, are you both saved? Do you go to church regularly? Are your reading your Bible and praying? Write and give me these specifics please and will be able to visit more. Thanks, Gary
My husband and i are Christians. We wished to do mission work some day but he one day woke up saying he wants to adhere to the call of God and he is going alone we will follow, i asked him to seek advice from pastors in church and told my pastor. They met with him and advised him not to go immediately but prepare first financially for us and for himself as he is going. I was pregnant with our 2nd baby when he left to another country.
He did not listen and said he is going and i allowed it though i was not happy with the idea. He left and our communication was not good, he was often saying he is depressed and he was having an online affair that i later found out about when he visited us. He admitted talking to the lady but said it was because i showed him not support. Later i told him am struggling financially and he came to work for 6 months but he never gave me a cent, he said he was going to use that money for business deals. I asked him to at-least pay rent and that’s all he did.
He went back to the mission field and our marriage was already damaged by lies regarding money and the affair incident. I told him am separating and he begged me not to go. I stayed but asked him to return so that we amend our marriage, he said he got a contract to work there in the country he is doing missions, when i asked for the contract he said its confidential. He returned after i asked for the contract and he is giving me silent treatment and withholding affection. He got a job but does not give me any money. He recently told pastors i am refusing for him to serve God and accused me of many things to them. The honest truth is i watch him lie to those pastors too during counselling sessions and unfortunately they believe him. He used to ask me to take loans for him, and do things that would legally get me in trouble. Does he really care, is it worth it to remain in this marriage?
Please advice.
Hi Dee, thanks for sharing. When you told him that you were going to separate you were on the right track. The leaders in your church are not listening to the Holy Spirit or they would know he is not in the right in what he is doing. Going into the ‘ministry’ without out your help, having an affair ‘on line’ leaving you and the children with out help. The Bible says, that he is worse than the unsaved to do this. His ministry first and foremost is you and the children. He has no business going without doing it in God’s time, and God’s way. Now, you have to pray much, as you have been doing, you need the support of your family and friends, since the church where you are going is not giving this. Tell your husband your intents and let him know, that he can fool others, but he cannot fool God. Then pray about your next move, if he will not truly get right with God. Don’t trust him at this point because he has lied so much. He has to repent of his sin, and before others in this case. He has to prove he has changed. If this does not happen, think of leaving. Write soon, Gary
We became Married in April 2017 to remain in the ministry and be obedient to God.however, he seems to work hard when we work together but does not take time to ensure he can provide financially for his children which lives with his ex and now new family myself and daughter. The agreement was to work his business and mine and we join to work together. He will work with me but won’t push and work his as well. We have to have a 2 person income now that he may have to pay child support. That was not a part of our lives when we got married. Need help with next steps. I have prayed I didn’t need to married and be in this situation I could do good or bad by myself.
Hi Cj, Thank you for writing, but you have not told me much about your spiritual life. First, he cannot be in the ministry if he is not living for the Lord. Please, give me some more information. Thank you, Gary
Thank you Gary, I plan to have a chat with him regarding my intentions. I will continue to pray and check if he works towards changing his behavior, but currently he has pride and is happy that the leader in church shows to be on his side. We don’t go to church together anymore he left to attend at the main branch because he says he is not in good terms with our Branch pastor. I know its because the branch pastor tried to talk to him before about his behavior. He is recently asked me that we relocate to Australia he claims he cannot get a job here in SA which is not very true, I told him I don’t trust him enough to travel that far with him. I am starting to hate going to bed as its the only place he knows I exist, and we don’t even talk, he just does what he wants and sleeps.
I was on medication for anxiety earlier this year and my blood pressure is often up, he said why am I sick, I must enjoy life. I will continue to pray.
Hi Dee, Thank you for writing. I believe you are right in not wanting to move to Australia, you would just take your same problems with you and add more to them. Yes, you need to stay in the Word and in prayer. The first step might be to cut off his sex until you can visit together. Talk to him, though, about this much before you go to bed. Tell him you are not satisfied the way his spiritual life is, and as a result your life is in sambals. We will keep praying and you stay in the Word everyday and prayer. God has an answer for those who hang on to Him. Romans 8:28, claim this promise. Brother, Gary
I have been marry for 27 years and have a child who is special needs who is will be 27 in September.. My husband and I have difference view on money matter and he will not talk about anything.. Lately he has been avoided bills to be paid and spend money on what he wants.. About 4 or 5 years ago we went separate checking account cause he would take money out for his wants.. so I just closed the account and that was that.. Also he is very smart but refuse to a good job.. he has been out of work often and on .. and now work part time… Just let you know my job does not paid a lot to what he thinks… I am a child care work.. I am bless with a uncle who is helping get our house fix to what insurance want.. I am so disappointed with my husband , hurt and I am also hurt with the Lord Jesus.. I know I will bounce back.. I just don’t know what to do.. I understand God hate Divorce and I have calm that .. right now I am just so tire … cause I don’t know what to do and have not seen any chance in my Husband. I feel like I am a door mate and so tired of it.. Thanks for listening to me..
Dear LuAnn, Hi, thanks for your thoughts and feelings. First, let’s understand that you should not be upset with Jesus, He loves you so much that He died for you, John 3:16, so He is not your problem, but your solution. In fact, you are not to give up on praying to Him. He wants to help, but you have to give Him your all and trust Him as never before. Are going to church regularly? Are you praying and reading your Bible every day? Now, it is wrong of your husband not to pay the bills, the Bible says that a person who doesn’t care for his family is worse than the unsaved. Pray for him, but you have to get him talking and explaining why he is not concerned about the family. He has been with you 27 years. Ask him if he really wants to give up on that? I will tell you that his problems are spiritual. Get back to me as soon as you can, Brother Gary
Have been out of work four years. Unable to find work. My wife is strongly wants to cut back to part-time to spend time w/ our daughters. I’m in agony because no one will hire me. My wife is adding to the stress by constantly hunting for jobs for me, when I do that myself already. What do I do?! She’s threatened to leave me over this a few times over the last few years.
Hi Michael, Is it possible for you guys to move? Brother, Gary
Hi, I have read so much that sounds like what am going through. In my case out of frustration I did suggest divorce which he agreed to at first then his family members began to talk to us before I changed my mind. I. My case the problem is he is a christian who prays a lot but is more comfortable living on free stuffs like when we got married I had accommodation then moved in with him in a free apartment he was living till we were asked to move out withing 3 weeks. He did not have a job but I was into business. A church member then gave us a flat for free. With no work he still insisted we get people to wash the cloths and car and I had to pay for from the little I made. Out of the frustration I called out and God blessed me with a job last year which I had to leave home and be at a training camp for 6 months only to get calls there of how he has taken bank loans and is owing other people money to the extent that he was almost picked up by the police. By then he was working as my pastors personal assistant. I had to move out of the town we lived cos of work and I took my now 3year old son with me. Got an apartment school and paid for them all up till now. He quits his job and follows his dream which is without pay. He leaves the bulk of the responsibility to me cos if I ignore it it will just keep piling up and he does not worry he keeps saying he will handle things but nothing gets done.
Hi Mary, We would normally suggest that you separate, but it looks like you have already pretty much done that. There is such a thing here as a legal separation, that might help if you have it there. You need to get your finances separated from his so you are responsible for his debts. Write when you can, Brother Gary and Marlene
Thank you for your response. We have never had a joint account and at present I can say we are separated cos I have no idea where he is. I know the town but don’t know with who or where. He has cut off communication with me and his son. I really don’t know how separation will help sort this out cos to him it seems am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I really don’t know what to do.
Hi Mary, there is such a thing as a legal separation, so if your country his this you need to do it. Or you may need to go on to divorce. Have support from your family and friends. Have many people praying for you. We will be praying. Brother Gary and Sister Marlene
This is really an interesting piece. It is however very difficult if as a woman you feel overburdened. There are moments when as a result of the pressure you fail to read the bible and or pray. Why? because there is that feeling of always praying without a response. You feel you are sinking deep each day. The truth is, I really don’t know what to say again…. Really tired and very very sad… The worst is he is a Christian too… I don’t know what to do anymore
Hi Dora, Let us know if you have a church home or not. If there is a Calvary Chapel in your area, I think you would like going there. You can look on line to find them. Brother Gary & Sister Marlene
It is so sad to have to have a unsupportive husband. It really makes the relationship very sour. As it feels that you carry the load of the family all alone… including paying house rent, school fees for three children and taking care of food in the house and of yourself as well… What a burden and now and lack of joy and home… I don’t even what to see him! I hate him for real 17 years of marriage and he has never been productive
Hi Dora, it sounds like you could use fellowship with a good Bible believing church, if you don’t have one. Also, don’t give up on God and prayer. Sometimes it helps just to visit with someone who understands what you are going through. Write as often as you like. Gary and Marlene Panell
When will some Christian men who slack in their responsibilities be told in the face to rise and take up their positions as men in their families. How many times have a woman not been condemned for not doing soooo much in her home?
When it is the man, a lot of empathy and biblical quotations come to his rescue. But the woman is condemned when she falls short in any one of her NUMEROUS duties.
How many duties are there for a man in marriage at all? The goal posts keep changing in their favour. IT’S HIGHLY UNFORTUNATE
It’s really a terribly thing to be in a relationship where upon your numerous duties as a wife, you are either to take up the man’s single responsibility in full or take up the greater part. Which kind of partnership is that.
Please this whole thing is taking away the joy and happiness from a lot relationships and the earlier you tackle it head on, the better. How did the woman manage to secure her job, and the is not able to.
It’s extremely annoying and appears exploitative and tooooo religious.
What was the command/curse for the rebellion in the garden of Eden?
Gloria, here is another letter that Marlene wrote about marriage problems. See what you think about what she said here. Thanks, Gary
Question: Should a Christian woman stay in a marriage of verbal abuse for over 20+ years when the husband refuses to go and get some help and counseling and is angry at the whole world and he is also a racist. He has repeatedly said that he has done nothing wrong and that he is not changing for anyone especially his wife and daughter. The family had almost ended up in a physical fight with which all three involved could have been hurt or killed.
The husband had told the wife and daughter to get the ______out!!! The wife and daughter finally left and have not been back for about 10 months. He has called and harassed [his] wife and daughter on the phone several times with threats etc. The wife and daughter were getting so physically sick that they could NOT take it any longer. He is a very, very, prideful man and does NOT like a woman to tell him anything or what to do.
He does NOT listen and respect his family’s views. The wife has left him over and over again and still went back because of their baby. This man was always in and out of work and it was always the other employee’s fault and he blamed it on the management all the time. You just could NOT reason with him anymore and the most important thing is that he just would NOT listen either way.
The only thing that he really did a great job (100%) was paying all the bills and putting money in checking account for food. He has stopped paying the car insurance for wife and daughter since they have moved out.
I would so appreciate some advice on this situation. The wife and daughter have felt sooooooooooooo much better and have had no knots in their stomach and feeling sickly [as they did when they were] living in that home. It had gotten to be truly un-bearable.
Answer: Weigh what we say with the Word of God [the Bible], and with what He is saying to you personally. [If this is a friend you are speaking of, what God confirms in her heart, as to what she feels He is saying to her.]
One of the first issues you bring up is the fact that the husband told his wife and daughter to get out. If he is unsaved, this would be one of the Scriptural reasons to get out of the marriage. However, move slowly as God can still perform a miracle!
Another issue is the continual abuse being done over the telephone. That needs to stop. You need to get records of phone calls- # of calls, times of day, and try to record the threats. Get the police involved, and seek a restraining order.
God has stated that He hates divorce Malachi 2:16. The Scripture also states that the only reason for divorce is unfaithfulness in the marriage partner or a Christian and non-Christian in a marriage where the non-Christian no longer wants to be married to the Christian. “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” (1 Corinthians 7:15-16)
Having said that, there is never a time when it is appropriate for a marriage partner to give verbal, mental, emotional, or physical abuse. A person should not stay where there could be harm done to themselves or their children in an abusive situation.
I do believe that the best route is to seek either an informal separation or a legal separation first. This will possibly be a wake-up call to the marriage partner that there needs to be some serious changes made. God can perform miracles even when the situation seems impossible or the marriage partner seems obstinate and unwilling to change.
Only God can change a person though. We cannot make a person change. We can only pray for them and ask God to work in that person’s life. A third issue is that of financial support. What kind of emotional and financial support system does the wife have? Does she have a job and can she support herself and her daughter? What kind of support does she get from her family or from his family?
This woman needs a network of people—family, pastor, and friends—that she feels she can go to at anytime to get help emotionally or financially. She needs people she can just talk to who will listen to her without judgment or even advice at times.
Both the mother and daughter would probably benefit from going to see a good Christian counselor. This mother and daughter also need to attend and get involved in a good Bible believing church—one where people care about them and will surround them with love and understanding. (That is of course, if they don’t have one already.)
Also, in a situation like this it is easy to blame God and drift away from Him. That’s why it’s important to maintain a daily relationship with God in prayer and Bible study. Tell God how you feel—you won’t shock Him! Remember God loves you and wants His very best for you. It’s our poor choices that often prevent us from getting God’s best. Don’t blame God for choices the husband has made or for the stronghold Satan has gotten in this marriage. Instead, run to God. Cling to His promises until you see their fulfillment! We will be praying for you.
In Christian love,
Marlene Kay Panell
Hi Mr Gary its Dee again last time we spoke I was going to pray to decide on a way forward. I asked my husband to prove he got a job in the mission field and he refused to give me a contract up to now saying its confidential then he suddenly said he is returning from the mission field. He found a job upon his return and I became aware that he was lying to me about not being paid at work, his spending made me suspect and I confronted him and he said he is not paid. I went into his online banking and noticed its not true, he was paid on a weekly basis paying tithe from the money and spending it on himself. After I asked I was given 1% of the money (if am lucky) not regularly. He met the pastor of our church alone and I was later called into a meeting with both of them. I felt attacked, the pastor asked me questions as if am the irresponsible one and accuser. My husband was never corrected during the meeting and we were never asked what is really affecting us and the marriage not to do well. I left the meeting very hurt and decided I wont visit the Main church again (I still go to church just at a different branch). After this meeting my husbands behavior worsened. he would leave the house without saying where he is going, work late without reporting, and still not bring money home.
I then prayed and fasted a week, after that I asked him to start to care for us financially the following month (and I will help where necessary) or he should find himself a place to stay where everything will be for free. He then sent me a message after a week that he decided to move out and he will go tell my father that he is moving out, he also said I must keep quite and not tell anyone that he is moving out (both my family and his). He never went to tell my father.
As I type this message its been 7 days since he moved out to go stay with a friend. Before he left I sat with him down and showed him how this can be resolved if we each play our roles and I even explained how our kids need both of us but he still insisted he wants to move. I mentioned to him that if he moves I consider it a divorce because I don’t want to allow him to open this door of taking breaks/moving out in our marriage, he said its ok. During our talk I asked what went wrong he said all he wanted was peace and a quite person, he didn’t mention anything about himself that caused us to be where we are, again I felt like he blames me for everything happening and is not willing to look within. His sister came to visit me and she was hurt by all this, she told me that she heard the pastor told him to separate with me (I am still shocked why a pastor would give such an advise).
Right now I am just praying for strength and for healing for me and the kids. I am even considering relocating because everything brings back unpleasant memories.
Hi Dee, It seems that a separation is a good thing at this point. Either your husband lied to the pastor, or your pastor was not willing to listen to both of you and do Biblical counselling. If your husband is not willing to follow God’s Word–take car of his family–not work, not eat, then he is possibly not really born again. Is there another woman involved? I only ask because he is leaving the house without telling you where he’s going, staying out late, etc. Unless he is willing to admit what he has done wrong and change his attitude and wys– then I don’t see him even supporting you or the children. Sister Marlene
This article is not biblically correct. You CAN divorce for any reason. However, depending on the reason for the divorce will determine if the can remarry or not.
Matthew 5:32 New King James Version (NKJV)
32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality[a] causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
I’m thinking of asking my husband to leave. For over 6 years, he’s struggled to provide financially. At first, his child support would take 60% of his income. Also, he hated his jobs so he’d quit. Between jobs he’d get hooked on games or a hobby, or fall into a depressive state and do nothing. I thought of divorcing him before he came to know he Lord. After both of us received the Lord, our financial issues continued but we’ve been trying to stay faithful and work through it. I supported us and our 2 children for a time but went back to being a stay at home mom when he began his own business. The business did not take off. He’s tried other business endeavors that did not succeed. I always felt like he gives up too easy. Since then, he’s had little jobs here and there, but nothing stable or reliable. Right now he is a partner in a construction company that is not prospering. No matter what he does, we continue in the hole. We have been living with my mother for years because we can’t afford to survive on our own. She supports all 4 of us 100%. We pay nothing. I just try to keep the house in order. She resents my husband. She belittles me. Our whole family sees us as leaches. The guilt and the shame of living here has been, at times, more than I can bear. There have been terrible conflicts with my family over this. My family is against me and have told me to divorce him because he is lazy and manipulative. At times I see that he is really trying, but is unable for one reason or another, to find steady work. There’s ALWAYS a reason or an obstacle. Every job seems promising at first, and we praise God. Then, in just a short time we learn that it’s just another dead end. I don’t know what to believe anymore. Is he lying that he is truly trying his best, or are we cursed? We have been to pastoral counseling, had believers “prophesy” over us (all hopeful things) we’ve prayed together, we read the word, have served in ministry, go to church regularly, yet we are under this curse that won’t go away. Now, I’m so exhausted from the worry and the stress, I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to be a burden to my mother any longer. My marriage is failing. I’m bitter towards him and struggle to love him. If it were not for my mom, we’d be homeless. As of now, we can’t afford to do anything! We have no savings, no recurring income. He wants to move out of state but has no plan on how he would provide. It all seems so easy to him, as if the grass is greener on the other side, but aside from not being able to afford a move, I refuse to move and be hungry and homeless in a strange land. Aside from all this, he is a wonderful man. He has many winning qualities. But I can’t appreciate him while carrying this yoke of guilt, shame, and hopelessness. I’m terrified of splitting up and what it would do to my children. But I also can’t take this anymore. My future, and my children’s future is so bleak. I can’t let my husband see me upset or we’ll fight, and I can’t let my mom see that I’m upset, because she’ll kick my husband out; and I can’t be upset in front of my kids because they are too young to carry the burden. I feel trapped and hopeless. I can’t come to God anymore about it. I feel lost, judged and without any wisdom.
Dear Lila, Hi, you know in your heart God is not wrong and has not made mistakes. That being said, your husband and you are not to give up. I don’t have much time right now so I will get to the point. Both of you need to get before the Lord, on your face in prayer if need be. You need to get serious about God’s will for your life and marriage. Turn off the TV, videos, games and whatever else is hindering you. Share with your husband this reference from the Bible, 1 Timothy 5:8. Then too, you need to be willing to go back to work. You both need to be willing to move. You need to both read the Bible together and this verse every day. Rom. 8:28. Brother Gary
Hello Gary,
If possible may your wife just pray for me, my husband and I are serving in the church, we love the Lord and believe in His word. He has been trying to get funding to open a business for the past 5years and the door is shut. He gets a pension allowance however because he has to support his other sons this means he can only contribute towards home keeping with a little and its important for me that he continues to support his sons. The challenge is that we live in a small rented property where the 3 girls share 1 bedroom and there is no space for all 3 of them to study and sleep on one bed.
We are trusting God for an opportunity, my only scare is that the shortage of finances means I cannot be consistent with tithes the way I used to be. The income I have does not stretch out to beyond the day I receive it, as soon as rent and groceries is bought there is few cents left for transport to commute to college for the daughter who goes to college. There is never cash to cater for emergencies or for school projects for the kids.
We read the word, we stay on the promises and trust that we will overcome, its just that I am stressed beyond the word that everytime I have to ask for money from my sister or mother to help out through the month
Hi Kay, I wrote you a longer letter, but it got deleted. So, here is the shortened version. Yes, we will pray for you. Tithing in the N.T. is not a law, but a principle. You could ask the church what you could do to help around so you could put in time cleaning maybe or answering the phone for the pastor or something else instead of tithing for now until you get to that point. You need to find someone that is poorer than you and start helping them. Pr. 19:17 “He who has pity on the poor lends to the LORD, and He will pay back what he has given.” You and your husband need to be in Bible study groups where you can ask and answer questions. Also, your husband needs to work to support the family and just put aside a little at a time to start a business later if it is God’s will to have a business. Pray together for specific things, and record the answers to praise God for what He has done for you, and what He is going to do for you. Brother Gary and Sister Marlene
Please help! My husband wants to go into full-time Ministry and we tried to raise support but we have not gotten anywhere close to where we need. This will leave me with the financial burden. And that would be taking care of his 3 children that he’s had from 2 failed marriages! He was not saved then but is now and wants to live his life fully for Christ.
Am I wrong in thinking that this burden should not be put on me? They are his children, he should be the one providing. I am willing to help because I do love them but to ask me to take on full financial is just to much. On top of that he won’t even consider having a child of our own. He did have a vasectomy and said previous to marriage that he would reverse it if I really wanted and now he’s gone back on that. I’m devastated!!! So that is already a huge stressor in our marriage and I thought about leaving him then but now he’s adding this.
I don’t think it’s appropriate. If we don’t have the funding he should work, right?
I just don’t know what to do or say or who yo talk to. Lord knows I can’t talk to family and friends, they’ll think I’m crazy!
This makes me want to leave him but I know it’s wrong. I need sound advice. I will go to prayer in this as well. Thank you,
M
Hi M, My wife and I have read your letter, first, there is no grounds for divorce or even to leave him for that matter. However, you do need to confront him on what he said to you about how he would reverse the vasectomy. If this is something he promised you then he should do it. If he says, we don’t have the money, explain that how can you trust the Lord for money for the ministry, but not for us? I would think that he needs to put the ‘ministry’ on hold until you are both in agreement on things. If you both are in agreement God will supply, even for another child and the ministry if you are to have another child. God says children are a gift, so He will not charge you without repaying you, if you get my drift. Both of you need to get before the Lord Jesus in prayer if there is to be a ministry outside the home, God will show you. Let him know the way he is going now the ‘ministry’ will flop. But if he will listen to God and your advice in this situation concerning the financial needs and another child, then God would bless the ministry and your family once again, but you have to be agreed if you want God’s answers in prayer and supply for your needs. We will be praying, Gary and Marlene Panell
Thank you!
I have not said anything in a while but now I don’t think there is any solution to this anymore. My husband wanted to come to the town I stay with our 3 year old son pick him and take him to go Sta with his mother and when I said no he threatened me. I had to get my lawyer to send him a notice stating that henceforth whatever action he intends to take should be taken legally. He is still yet to pay the bank loan debts from last year February which he got by using fake documents. Now his family members are sending me odd messages stating what wife’s should do which are more like what slaves should do. I am not ready to leave my son to a man who has not been there for us and for him to make that move I am no longer interested in staying in this marriage cos obviously the separation has no effect on him.
Hi Mary, can you give us more information, like was there a divorce? Where do you stand with the Lord? Are you a Christian? Thanks, Marlene and Gary
I said most of it before back in July and you started that we were practically seperated but advised we get separated legally.
Hi Mary, we were able to find your story again and we read it again. Sounds like you may need to get a divorce and get on with your life. You can’t go on living like this. You may need to go to court over arrangements about your son. Since he hasn’t been around for your son you shouldn’t have a problem getting custody. Most of all you need to find a good Bible believing church to get into and have good Christian fellowship once again. Read your Bible and pray every day. Write again when you can. Brother Gary and Sister Marlene, we will be praying.
Thank you so much . I have been trying to h old back on the divorce but he just keeps complicating things for himself as at today he as not even called to speak with the son that he eagerly wanted to come take away in almost a month and yet he claims he cares. Thank you so much for your prayers and support God bless you. I definitely will be filling for divorce after the Christmas holiday. God bless you.
Hi Mary, You have a Merry Christmas too. I will keep praying for you. God loves you! Find a good church to fellowship with. Brother Gary
yes my husband is completely lazy, ive put up with abuse, abandonment, betrayel, drugs, alcohol and women…my husband is a hypocrite , his walk is up and down on the other hand I haven’t had much education , ive been abused growing up and all I know is know how to clean…im older now and I’m physically tired and my bones hurt…..what do I do when it comes to money? I want to give tithe and offering and I feel so ashamed when the usher passes the offering basket around and especially in my church when the leaders make it a outstanding ordeal to the point that others stare and look around, I feel so nervous always and I have to always call on jesus in those times…God supplies my needs always , I live by faith for everything but I want to be able to bless and give others…my husband is quick to take from others without any shame , in fact his employment has been, pimping people for monies and hes a real good lyer…ive been praying and beliving god that he will bring my husband to his senses and to repentance….
Dear Candice, You have more than enough reasons to divorce him, but this must not be an option for you or else I’m sure you would. Also, why do you go to a church that takes up the offering in such a way? This there no other church you can go to? Why don’t you leave and go to where you have a chance to live out the rest of your life? I can give you Scripture that would support you in these moves, but I believe you must live in a country where you don’t have many options. Please write and tell us more about your situation.
And what if He is disabled?
Hi R, What did your marriage vows say? What if you were disabled what would you want him to do for you? Remember Jesus said we should do for others what we would have them do for us. Be bless, Brother Gary and Sister Marlene
P.S. Maybe you have some more questions, be sure and write.
I liked this blog post! I read your blog when I got time after work and your always coming
out with some great stuff. I shared this in my twitter and my friends love it!
keep up the good work. 🙂
Thank you for the comments. Be blessed, Brother Gary
I have five children before getting woth my husband. When the discussion arises, he questions me if I expect him to go out and provide for five children I had before marrying him. I paid for the marriage, too. I pay all the bills and even the vehicles are mine. I’d rather be a single mom than to train up my children to not take care of their household. I believe my marriage is beyond toxic. He did not express these things before marriage but made every excuse to why waiting to work would benefit us and saying it ia hard for him to find a job because of his previous record. I feel ashamed for settling to avoid continuance of living in sin, shacking, etc. I am angry more at myself for my choices. I’ve started going back to church and studying the bible but this has me up out my sleep at 1AM. I cannot be at peace even in my rest. Plus now I’m pregnant. I feel like I’m raising everyone and we do not see eye to eye on anything. My desire to be intimate has even vanished completely.
Hello Stressed Out, We have a question for you before we give some answers. Whose children are the five? Please write back right away. Thanks, Gary & Marlene
I need help!… I am in a situation now i Dont know what to do. My husband is not providing for the family meaning me and the kids. He is no longer living in the home with us. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. This has been going on now for 3yrs maybe 4. I am tired of doing it alone with no help. At times he is mentally and emotionally abusive to me and one of the reasons he is no longer living with us is because he became aggressive and would become very angry a couple of times he slammed my son and í saw him pick my daughter up and shake her angrily. I need some help and advice as to what í should do. He has done medication has done counseling we also have done marriage counseling and nothing seems to be working.
Hi Carmen, First, you have to go to serious prayer. You may have done this already. But along with this you need to get other people that you trust praying for you, like people from the church. You need to be in the Word (Bible) reading and meditation every day. We have some daily Bible reading charts on Bible-Christian.org Look for these on the search engine. You need a support group to be able to share your burdens with, such as the church. I would suggest Calvary Chapel if you do not have a church home now. Please read some of the other answers we gave to people about this same subject. We will be praying for you and your family. Please write again as soon as you can so we can be part of your support group. You brother in Christ, Gary Panell
I am married 18 years. 8 years back I tried to divorce my husband because he was not willing to provide for me and our children.
I did not go through with the divorce because I just know it is wrong.
I only have Grade 12 and I have a job that I go to every day to try and provide for us.
My husband has an honours degree and he won’t look for a job.
I tried to set the example of going to church, pray and setting an example to our children, but he has an excuse and answer for everything.
When I ask him why we can’t go to church, he says the people are false. I told him no one is perfect. Then I told him I need to go to church, he says I just go for my friends. I tried to ignore it and to go in any way. I tried to read Bible with him and pray, but he says I am false. Sometimes he would allow me and enjoy it when I do it.
When I ask him why he won’t work, he says if he works he is kept back from his dreams and what he would like to accomplish.
He is jobless most of the time and I don’t see any dreams realising.
I tried to get my licence so that I can get a promotion at work, but he says he is afraid I will get killed in a car if I have a licence.
I really need some advice, I have even started doubting God, because I am struggling on my own and my husband won’t see the wrong he is doing.
My husband is forever telling me how much he loves me, is this not part of love, to provide for the ones you love?
Hi Desperate, First you never want to doubt God when people are doing wrong. People have free will because of God, and some will do wrong. You need to go to church even if he doesn’t want you to. God has said to do this, so if your husband says not to go, he is wrong. God will help you as you fellowship with others and study His Word at church. Brother, Gary
What about a Christian husband who makes 6-figure salary but refuses to provide? I have to work to pay for mortgages, HOA fees, insurance, property tax, expenses for our dog which he wanted to get, yet I have to ask him for money each week to help out and he either ignores me or goes on a tirade about me asking for help? What about this scenario?
1 Timothy 5:8 “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Hi JS, Right off hand, I would like to ask, is he going to church, and are you going to church?
Hello, I am in the middle of fighting a divorce. I am a man trying to save my family. I grew up not seeing divorce and on my wife’s side its pretty common. We were so good in the beginning, I got my degree in business and even got selected to study abroad in Cuba for my grad studies. I came back from Cuba in my mind well equipped to get a great paying job but it did not pan out that way initially. I got down on my knee in February, we got pregnant in March, got married in July, and by December we were welcoming our daughter into the world. We are both Christians. I went through job application after job application and I was not getting any calls back or I was deemed overqualified. My wife who works for her father with a great job in his IT firm doesn’t fully understand the process of finding a job and thought it should be relatively quick and easy, which it wasn’t. I took whatever job I could take to bring income in and build back up, but at some point, she would ridicule me about my job. I often felt like because my wife would tell her sister and mom so much of my downfalls, it created a mountain that was beginning to get harder to climb. We use to pray together, we use to gives each other words of encouragement and slowly got to the point where insecurity and trust issues became rampid in our relationship. Neither of us violated our marriage, but it was always the thought of what if and what is this person’ true intention. I would cook for her and take care of her and she would ask are you just trying to make me feel bad and I would say no. I am trying to take care of you. You are my wife. You have to eat. I am not here to go down the list of my wrongs and her wrongs. I am here to ask for prayer as we are near the final stages of divorce and neither one of us wants it. Both of our families are practically doing a tug of war on us and wanting us to let each other go, but I cant I found my virtuous woman and I have done alot to repair my marriage. I have met with my pastor, taking classes to help improve my interactions with her, I even got a new job with a huge logistics firm. It finally seemed as if God was putting everything right into place and then says to me it would be a shame for us to get a divorce so I get us help and we begin attending counseling sessions without our attorneys knowledge or anything just her and I. We have made it to two sessions and Tuesday will be our third she has now grown uncertain if she will wish to continue . I am doing my best to reassure and it seems like in sessions she wants me to take all the blame for things going wrong but it is clear she has blame. I just pray the devil stops attempting to confuse and let her make the decision to restore our family. For us to be whole again for our 2 year old .
thank you
Hello Jamel, You don’t need to get a divorce. You don’t need to talk to lawyers, they work for you, you can fire them if you want. You know God hates divorce. You and your wife need to get away from the families and just be with each other again, like it use to be. You need to be the man of the home, for your child. We will be praying for you and your wife. Brother Gary
I’m so glad I found this article. I am trying to find reasons why I should stay with my husband despite all the abuse.
Back when he got me pregnant, I learned a month after that he got another woman pregnant. Three months later, he cheated on me with another woman. I broke up with him but eventually got back together after he apparently convinced me how remorseful he was. I was 20 back then and I was really looking forward to giving my son a complete family.
We married a year after. That’s when everything started to become so chaotic. We stayed with my parents because we still couldn’t stand on our own back then. He had no job and was relying on my father to find a job for him. Eventually he got a job that could barely support himself. Despite this, he refuses to contribute consistently mainly because he was dependent on my ability to support the kids. His job required him to travel all the time which gets me constantly worried due to his cheating history. He felt I was paranoid which led him to repel against me. I even thought I was becoming too needy until I got a checkup and found out that I got STD from him. This confirmed my suspicions that he was indeed cheating on me.
When I confronted him about it, he denied it and hit me. This became the start of his domestic abuse. I eventually learned to fight back which only led to my in-laws defending him, saying that we were simply even.
Years passed and this continued on. I eventually became depressed and attempted to kill myself twice. It wasn’t until I was saved that I finally got back the will to live and endure with my marriage. Even though my husband has changed a bit, he still hasn’t matured enough to live up to the basic responsibilities of a husband and a father.
We can’t ask him for support because he’s not always around and when he is, he simply says that he doesn’t have any money. His salary is not even enough to support his needs. His father is giving him a chance to put up a business but he refuses to take this opportunity. He wants me to put up the business and once it’s stable, he agrees to manage it. Basically, he wants me to do all the necessary groundwork.
I continue to be the main provider for my two boys, while going to law school. He only sees our sons once a week because that’s all his job allows. He is given other opportunities to work in the government but he was too lazy to study so he couldn’t pass any of its tests. I wouldn’t say that he’s weak-minded because he had academic awards back in highschool.
My parents resent him because of his irresponsibility. I really don’t want to think about divorce but I feel like staying with him has already affected my health and well-being. There are times wherein I wish that he be the one to decide to leave. Until that time comes, I can only continue to pray for him and that my boys don’t grow up to be the same man as their father.
Aylzza, To be honest with you, we don’t believe in divorce except for immorality, like Jesus said. In your case, it sounds like you have put up with immorality from him for some time. See what God says to you after praying about it. God bless, Brother Gary
My husband and I have known each other 25 years married 2. We have 3 children. He doesn’t have much education but always managed to keep a decent job. He lost a really good job right after we were married and since he has had several jobs now unemployed for almost 2 months. He’s applied to different jobs but no one seems to want to hire him. He has become inconsistent maybe he always was and I overlooked it, he’s not attentive not affectionate nothing is good anymore I love life has become almost nonexistant i have become resentful bitter angry and slowly becoming depressed. He has never made as much money as me amd I was ok with that because half of everything worked for us. Each time he is between jobs I’m left to carry the load I dont see where we are progressing. I cant save. I get so angry watching him sleep and hearing him snore. Like how can he sleep so good with no job and no income coming in. Is divorce an option when you’ve married the WRONG person
Hi Denise, To give you the short answer, No, you can’t divorce a person just because they don’t live like you want them to. God’s Word is very clear, the only reason for divorce is immorality, such as infidelity, or homosexuality. Otherwise, you need to get with the Lord, first and foremost, and tell Him how you feel. Then you need to speak to your husband what God has told you, or if he is sensitive to the Holy Spirit, he may hear from the Lord himself. If you are not going to church now, you need to start, even if your husband doesn’t want to go. You need to take the spiritual leadership until he is willing and able to do it. You need to be in the Word (Bible) everyday reading and hearing from God. You need to spend lots of time in prayer, and maybe even fasting if you really are concerned about seeing things change. Brother Gary
Hello. Im new to this group, I an an Asian woman who gave my life to Christ 3 years ago. My husband and mother in law are also Christians. I have lived a joint family for 12 years I have two small children 5 and 8. My husband told me before marriage that his parents lived with him, he owed the house. H told me he had a business, he told me much more. I soon learned that it was untrue, I continued to stay with my husband, over the years I have suffered mental torture and emotional distress, but I started to overcome it. I am the house servant and cook cleaner, maid all things you can imagine. My husband is a Christian and since our married life he has never financially provided for me or my children. His father is a non Christian and so is his brother, I look after the whole house which is large and have a full time job my day starts at 5am finishes 11pm. I collect the kids I work full time to support me and kids I do the family shop, very expensive and I have no savings at all. I work hard from the office and at home. I pray and fast I led people to Christ. I am not complaining but I am just so very exhausted that given the fact that my husband is a Christian and so is my mum in law, they don’t feel the pain I endure day by day. I have little no money as much goes on the home and I care for the children. My husband lives with me but he does not pray with me he does all things with his mother. I have said we should pray, but he insists his mother is always involved. My father in law recently told me to leave his house, this has left me heartbroken , I feel alone my children keep me alive and they also pray for me and with me. My child told me mummy surely you can divorce daddy because we understand your pain. this pain is too much. So please just pray for me.
Hi P, God loves you and has seen everything that has happened to you. I do not believe your husband is saved. Pray for his salvation. In the mean time, it is not wrong for you to live away from him, but pray much about this. Only God knows the answers. However, He will guide you as you call on His name Jesus! Brother Gary
Brother Gary,
I am thank full to you for your prayers and time. Yesterday I was so heart broken, and whilst at work I cried out to Jesus in the middle of the office where I work, that LORD if you really there HELP ME, I felt as though I would not make it, I mean my body was weak and I felt feeble. On the way home I still carried on talking to God, when I arrived home things were very still. There was a stillness in my home that I cannot explain. I felt that there was something and some one here before my arrival. A few houses later my mum inlay came into my study room where I was working on my cases, she said your father in law would like to speak with you. In my heart I asked LORD give me wisdom control my words. He sat there I asked him father you wanted to speak with me he said yes. I then put my arms around him and cradled him like a child, for some reason this was something he longed for. He began hugging me like a proper father hugs his daughter like the hugs my father gives me when I see him. in the first 12 years he apologised for his words, my mum in law tried to interpret but he told her stay still woman. My 2 children told him how I suffer how they see me struggle, he was taken back. I shared with him that I had asked God to turn things around and that I cannot continue living in fear that me and my children will be thrown out of the home. He told me he felt pain at his actions, to which my daughter replied my mother has been in pain for 12 years gran dad and still she continued to love you all.
Thank you for helping me, I will continue to pray and I just wanted to share this with you all. Its painful going through this all I know because it affects you but Holy Spirit is our helper and God always sends help.
Glory to Jesus.
Hi we also going through the same problem, my husband has never found a stable paying job, he married me with the small money he got from his work, his salary cant even pay the bond and he recently got a job that is paying him too little that no man cant work for that money and the job is night shift, I told him to stop working at night as is not safe to leave me and the kids at night for such a little money and the Job was draining him as well, always have back pain but receiving such a small amount of money. Now his still at home looking for a JOB but nothing. his all life he never found a stable good Job that meet our requirements…. Im always the one who is bring money in the house now is strafing me.. coz I now cant even be able to pay for our bond sice we now have 2kidz it is so hard and his been struggling with the good job for 10years now, we are both Christians and we pray together.
Hi Mbali, I see that you are both Christians and pray together, but do you go to church? Brother Gary
Hi, my husband can’t work because he suffers from gastrointestinal problems that leave him sick most days…he’s working online some but not making enough to afford our own place. We live with his parents…which is a wonderful blessing to have a place to go! He struggles with the fact he can’t provide. He told me awhile back the Bible says a man that doesn’t provide for his family if worse than an infidel. We’ve prayed and continue to pray for healing. I guess my question is does God really think a man is that bad when he can’t work?
Hi Heather, God knows there are exceptions. Please let your husband know, God loves and cares for him more than he can imagine! Be blessed. Brother Gary
My husband became addicted to opioids early in our marriage, he took to much medication and sold and bought it on the streets. He hardly worked and when he did he would not help me support our family. He would emotionally abuse me, accuse me of worshipping money and how I make plenty (and I did not). He would steal money from me, pawn my this…car,jewelry,etc. We are getting divorced because I cannot take it anymore. It is my choice to divorce and i struggle with the spiritual side of it. We both believe in God. But our marriage was never center around our faith or God. This is hard knowing it is a sin but I do not see any other alternative any longer. I am falling deeper and deeper into a depression.
Hi Bev, Was your husband unfaithful to you? Brother Gary
I am reading this article in 2020. My husband works but doesnt make much after paying child support for his previous marriage. I am the sole provider of the home. The remainder of his pay check and his daughter’s social security benefits go to paying his car payment and the rest sadly goes to feed his addiction with Cannibas. Which he claims is not a sin to smoke. I have never seen the fruits of his labor. I pay all the bills myself and when i confront him about it nicely he tells me that I want to live in Old Testament time and that its’ not the case anymore in the New Testament. I am fairly new with my walk with God vs how long he has been and his knowledge of the Word of God. Need help with this.
I hope this helps. Brother Gary
My husband has stopped paying bills at home. He started a business that’s been open 18 months which has produced no profit. His pride won’t allow him to close the business. That has left me paying the mortgage,lights, water, gas, car note, car insurance, groceries, everything. He says he’s not closing and will continue to use his paycheck to pay bills at a business that’s not taking care of him financially.
Hello Keisha, do you know if your husband is saved? Brother Gary
My husband lives in a different country and the value of his money is alot less. I make more money than he does and he expects me to help cover his living expenses . I struggle with that because I was a single mom for a long time and no one helped me. I struggle with the fact that my husband cant help me but I am always helping him. It has been this way since the beginning of our marriage and I dont know what to do. I encourage him to find better work but it goes nowhere. He even asked me to get an expensive loan to help him but I am hesitant as I dont believe that is wise. Is my perspective wrong?
Hi Rochelle, I believe you are right on. You want to insist that he pray with you about these things. Show him in the Bible what God says. Both of you need to go to church. Brother Gary