ABORTION AND FORGIVENESS by KJ
This is by far one of the hardest testimonies that I have to tell, it is difficult to look back and see my story unfold …It feels like it was another person entirely and not who I am today. I look like a monster but what I was, was a broken woman starving for real love and longing for a real God that would keep his word and move on my behalf. All I had noticed was my losses and a God that was silent. I felt trapped in all of my situations and unfulfilled.
I went from being a little girl trusting God at the age of four, full of love and excitement in hopes of being a mom someday…. to becoming a killer of my four children, through abortion …and I knew it was murder because the Bible told me so, but I didn’t trust God to help me take care of them financially and find me love at the same time. The fathers were of no help and I didn’t want to be on welfare because of my pride.
I had looked into birth control pills, but was told that it could cause me to gain weight. I was terrified of getting fat because often I listened to men make jokes about woman who had weight on them, including my dad. I wanted to be loved and not rejected like many of these men had rejected women, including my mom.
*I didn’t know it at the time, I was learning how to become a man pleaser by listening to what men looked for in a woman.
Years later I found out that because I became a man pleaser, I couldn’t please God, nor could I enter into the peace of mind that the word of God had promised.
In fact, the way that I was living my life, the word of God said that I could not even enter into the Kingdom of heaven…my salvation was at risk if I didn’t turn back to God.
I was living my life all wrong and did not know it. I believed in Jesus, but I was sitting on my own throne.
I just couldn’t understand how Jesus healed so many and his disciples worked miracles but he couldn’t help me find true love and that dream job that would free me from poverty. I just didn’t understand the word of God.
At the age of 12, I was molested by someone that I was related to. At 15, I was pushed into sexual intercourse through the words “If you don’t, someone else will” then at 17, I was raped by 2 men ….So to make a long story short, I did not trust God because he did not keep me safe like his word had promised to.
In fact, to me, all of this was his fault as he sat on his throne and did nothing to protect me. Where was he when I needed him?
My rage was against Jehovah almighty…but I didn’t know it at the time. It was a heart issue and I didn’t even know what was happening in my own heart because I was just living in my feelings and reacting as things came to me. I was afraid to vocalize my anger…like he would kill me if I did..
At the age of 18 I met a man that I loved very much, we got married and had a child. I met this man 8 months after I got raped by 2 men. I expected this man to fill me in the broken places that these other guys had caused in me. I had never been to counseling.
I grew lonely in our marriage because I needed more than he was able to give me. I truly believed that he didn’t love me. So, I thought if I divorced him that he would see what he had lost and he would come back for me and we would live happily ever after. That didn’t happen. My life spiraled out of control..
After I filed for divorce, I went out one night, got drunk and slept with the bartender…I was broken, lonely and needed to feel wanted. My husband would find this out later by a woman who had been my neighbor. I believe this is one of the reasons that he never came back.
Then after our divorce was final I met a guy whom we had a lot of fun together, I knew that he had a fiancé but I didn’t care she wasn’t my friend and I didn’t want a long term relationship with him, so what did it matter none of us would tell her. I thought that I was protecting her by keeping it a secret.
So, I figured that as long as she didn’t know she wouldn’t get hurt… It was just going to be a temporary thing I was his last fling and he was mine, because I was praying for my ex-husband to come back. It was a mutual understanding between me and this guy. She wasn’t going to lose him, I would make sure of that.
To me, I had a good heart I didn’t like to hurt people, I was loyal to my friends, I love to give gifts and bless people. I was a protector of people especially to the weak. I believed that Jesus died to save me from my sins, so I was forgiven. I thought I was following Jesus. I thought I was a good person. Yet I did not trust the God of the bible.
What I thought was a good plan and that no one could get hurt because we would keep our relationship a secret turned into a nightmare when I wound up pregnant with this man’s baby.
21 For his eyes are upon the ways of man, and he seeth all his goings.
Luke 8:17 KJV
17 For nothing is secret, that shall not be made manifest; neither anything hid, that shall not be known and come abroad.
I was suddenly forced into a situation that I did not foresee happening and had to make a horrible decision, which one do I choose.
The law says it is legal to abort and there are no consequences, the Bible says Thou shalt not murder but I am forgiven through the blood of Jesus…RIGHT?
My choices were:
- I really want this baby but if I keep it, I might not get my ex-husband back. All I ever wanted was for him to love me.
- Keep the baby and destroy this guy’s relationship with his girlfriend
- Send the baby back to God peacefully and no one gets hurt because the abortion clinic told me that they just put the fetus to sleep and it feels no pain…this way the baby doesn’t have to deal with the shame of being created out of an affair OR was it my shame that I was feeling?
I knew that the embryo turned into a baby, but what I didn’t know is when the fetus had all of its body parts and when it would start feeling pain. I had been lied to by the abortion clinic and I lied to myself in order to bury the pain. I became the very thing I hated, a baby killer.
I never told the baby’s father until after the abortion, it was my body so it was my choice. RIGHT?
I couldn’t see what I was doing to my baby, my spirit was so broken. I wanted to be loved so bad just like I saw others in their relationships be loved, but what I kept finding were men that threw me away OR really good men that I was unworthy to be with, because of what had happened to me. I was too much work for someone to stay with emotionally.
All I pictured was the baby falling asleep and having no pain. If I had known the truth that the baby felt pain, I could have never had an abortion. The thought of a child hurting to me was unthinkable.
I thought that if I solved the problem that the guilt and shame would go away, that I would get my ex-husband back and then we would have another child and that would heal my heartache from this abortion because my dream would come true. That my husband missed me and really did love me.
Then the pieces would all fall together just like my dream that I had as a little girl.
Somehow in my mind I thought that this child could be replaced and bring healing to my broken heart later in life after my ex-husband came back.
My ex-husband never came back and I slowly sank into a heavy depression as I watched my dream disappear when my ex-husband met someone that he would someday marry.
Soon thereafter I got involved with a man that became abusive and wound up breaking my nose when I was eight months pregnant with his child…I lived with the guilt of leaving my ex-husband and thought that if I had stayed with him that maybe he would have changed so that I felt loved and our marriage could have worked. Maybe I just didn’t give it enough time. So, I tried to do in this relationship what I didn’t do in my marriage. Hang in there.
Guilt, fear, rejection, hatred condemnation, shame and poverty had become my friends and I hated them, but they motivated me to stay and try harder this time. I was afraid that if I left this boyfriend that just like my ex-husband, he would become what I needed him to be with another girl.
Things just got worse, I felt like a possession of this mans and feared leaving him because every time that I did leave he came after me and I would go right back into this bad relationship thinking that he came after me because he was going to change and that he really did love me. This wasn’t why he came back.
After my nose was broken, I placed my first child with his father in order to protect him…I would live to regret this decision but it was the best decision for my son and still is today. He became an awesome man and truly blessed!
I wanted to leave this horrible relationship that I had gotten involved in believing that it would only be 2 months till I got my son back…I just knew that I would work hard to get him back….I had a plan …I just needed to get my daughter and me to safety in order to do it… unfortunately I never got my son back because my mind became more unstable daily.
Jehovah had frustrated my plans just like his word had said he would do. I just didn’t know that I was in opposition to him and that he was the one that I was fighting in my circumstances.
Mentally I was tormented with things from the past that men had done to me, as well as the things that I wished that I hadn’t done …like leaving my husband, leaving my son at his fathers, having an abortion ….etc…I rehearsed these things over and over again in my mind as my bitterness grew every day with hatred towards self, others and God.
Guilt, shame, fear, rejection, condemnation, hatred and poverty were my 7 friends and I hated them. No matter how hard I worked overtime and all…I just stayed in poverty and in bondage.
Since I couldn’t get rid of these seven friends I tried to drown them out through sex, drinking, drugs, dancing and fantasy. I escaped daily into fantasy in my head dreaming of the life that I wanted, not what I had. I couldn’t deal with reality, everything that I loved was being taken from me. I created another world.
The only thing that I could do is BELIEVE that someday I would have a husband that loved me, get my son back and get my daughter and I out of poverty. I had to press on.
I tried everything to get my prayers answered even making wishes on fallen stars, I believed that if you saw a fallen star it was that special moment that you made a wish and God would grant it.. , I even dropped coins in wishing wells. Didn’t know this at the time, but these were tactics of witchcraft in order to bind up my prayers.
I was so angry at God because I was trying so hard to get my son back, spend more time with my daughter and get out of poverty, but what I was getting was working overtime trying to make ends meet and I hardly got to see my son. I became jealous that his stepmother had more time with him then I did.
I wasn’t able to go on vacation like others because I was struggling to pay the bills and buying books to fix my head…because what I had found was the God of the bible didn’t hear me…Or he heard me and just didn’t care ..He might as well have been a statue sitting on a throne. I really believed that it was up to me to make my dreams come true.
Nothing made sense to me …. I knew that God had given me a dream at the age of 16 of becoming this powerful business woman, but he wasn’t letting me become it…to me …he was still the liar…made promises and wasn’t keeping them…
There were tons of scriptures that told me he wanted me to prosper and have a good life. What I was living was HELL, not the good life.
I went on to have several more failed relationships, marriages and 3 more abortions. I was still trying to find love, get out of poverty and get my first child back.
At the age of 26 I became suicidal, as I thought of ways to say goodbye to my two children that I had failed, my parents and my siblings. I loved them so much but I was tired of the fight. I was tired of my seven friends hanging around shame, fear, rejection, condemnation, guilt, poverty, hatred and tired of all my failures. I just wanted peace.
I wanted the torment to stop. I wanted to go back and undo all the things that I had done …I mourned the loss of my children that I had aborted, mourned the loss of my ex-husband and my son and felt sorry for my daughter that she wound up with a mother like me.
I figured I was going to hell anyway…what was suicide. It looked like the best way for all of us to be happy. I would finally have peace.
As tears poured from my eyes, I remembered how it felt when I was a child when my uncle committed suicide. I lost sleep; I was tormented because the pastor said that anyone who commits suicide will go to hell…. I thought that I could have saved him. If only God had told me what my uncle intended on doing that day. I was only 10 years old. I thought to myself…could I leave this same torment to my children? I cried even to think of life without them, but my hope had run out, at least I had thought.
I was at work one day when this man came in looking for someone to hang out with for the weekend. His name is Doug. He said, “no sex or anything like that, just a companion to go to lunch with or play golf.” I was the only single girl there because my boyfriend had just broken up with me.
In my mind it was an opportunity to not sit at home and cry over my ex, and maybe it would make him jealous. You see I had a plan for my boyfriend and God had a plan for me.
To make a long story short, Doug was a Godly man and his light shined right through my broken-ness as he turned me back to Jehovah just by saying these few words “God loves you, don’t change a thing about yourself just go back to him. I had such a hard time believing that God could love me after all that I had done. I hated who I had become!
You see, I thought that God hated me and IF he hated me there was no hope.
That night I ran back to God because I believed this man’s words. I couldn’t believe that this man was not judging me like the world had, he was full of God’s love.
It was love that turned me back to God, not judgement.
I thought that his word was going to make me feel better, but that’s not what happened.
As I read through the Bible, I just poured out my pain to him through my tears, as he convicted me of what I was doing wrong, which made me feel even worse, but he also showed me after his conviction how much he loved me .
What I looked like and who I was, was 2 different people. I knew that I looked like a harlot because I had, had many boyfriends and ex-husbands, but my reasoning’s were not to destroy anyone, I was only looking for love and my soulmate too and what I kept finding was another failed relationship.
I even became a murderer to the ones that I loved because I thought somehow, I was saving all of us involved. My choices were made to save others, not destroy them. Yet, I destroyed what I loved to save what I loved.
These were some of Gods convictions to me.
- That I had called him a liar and that it bound up his blessings through unbelief and blasphemy.
- He showed me that he hated divorce because it destroys families, especially the children
- He showed me that fornicating out of wedlock was a sin against my own body which was the temple of God.
- He showed me that I was a man pleaser and not a God pleaser
- He showed me that I thought that I could get away with what I was doing because no one saw me do it and could prove it.
- He showed me that I was trying to save my life and that is what cost me my life.
- He showed me that I had fear of rejection which made me a man pleaser.
- He showed me that I sat on my own throne and did not do what his word had told me to do, so he became my enemy, not my ally. This is just like Satan did with his angels. They knew his word, but chose not to live by it. I had been living as a child of the devil and not a child of God and I didn’t even know it.
- He showed me in his word that he knew the children before he even created them in my womb that he had a plan for their lives and I was used of the devil to stop that plan.
- He showed me that although it was my body that would have been used to carry the baby, the baby was given to the father as well. I denied him his rights.
- He showed me that he has two great commandments, the first is to love God with all my heart and to love my neighbor as myself.
- He showed me through my own sin that I was held captive and in bondage to the men that I had served because I bowed down to them instead of him.
- He showed me that I was mixing witchcraft with prayers…wishes (Satan) and prayers (Jehovah)
- He showed me that what I had done to these babies, fathers and the girl that I slept with her boyfriend were all things that I did against him as well as them.
- He showed me in his word that he had to vindicate those babies, because I stole their life and all that he had planned for them.
- He showed me he had to vindicate all the family’s that were connected to the baby as well on both sides.
- He showed me my children that had already been born, lost a brother or a sister, my parents lost a grandchild. My siblings lost nieces and nephews, great aunts, great uncles, and so on. Now the father’s side. Father, His mom and dad lost a grandbaby, his sisters or brothers lost a niece or nephew etc. Let’s just take a guess on how many just were in our immediate families. Let’s just say 13…
That’s 13 people that God has to vindicate including the baby for taking the child’s life. Per child…. I had 4 abortions…
Can you imagine how many people that had to be vindicated for what I had done?
- He showed me that my punishment came through him judging the motives of my heart for having those abortions.
- The first one was because I wanted my ex-husband back.
- The second was because I was terrified that the baby would be born blind because of a venereal disease and it would be my fault. I didn’t want a child to suffer the way that I had with a disfigurement.
- The third and fourth were money reasons. I didn’t want to bring more children in this world before I got my first child back…I was afraid he would be hurt and the fathers were not going to help with their child. I needed money to support them all and I was broke.
Then he showed me this scripture about repentance, I noticed that he said that if I would seek his face, he would heal my land. To me, I already lived in hell, I was willing to try anything that he told me to do. I told him that I had screwed up my life and if he could do anything with it that I would give him all of the glory…he went to work on changing my heart.
2 Chronicles 7:14 KJV
14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
The first thing that I had to do is repent for everything that he showed me that I had done and who I had hurt.
44 But I say unto you, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
Then I had to pray for everyone that had hurt me. I prayed for them the way that I wanted God to bless me. I prayed for their repentance to him, salvation, finding true love, peace, joy, a house car, a great job…and I prayed that he would forgive them as he forgive me and that we would all forgive each other…this is just an example….allow the Holy Spirit to guide you in prayer…
I prayed for all of them every day until I was released from my heartache and bitterness towards them and myself. It took me about three months praying faithfully every day, but it was worth it. I am free now and happy.
I made a vow to him to not let go and prayed every day for him not to let me go. He never did let go…He has walked me though every trial and after every trial he has strengthened me through his word and other ministries that have spoken into my life. He has taught me things that are amazing that I would have never known if he hadn’t become my friend. In fact, he has warned me a lot about things to come so that my heart can know that he loves me and this is just a test to prove my loyalty to him.
In every trial I got hurt, but he picked me up and carried me through it all. Give your life life back to God, stop running away from him because Gross when I raised her daughter for 6 years and then she went on to live with her grandmother, I suffered watching my fear come alive as I had to give a child that I had taken in to become her mother away to her grandmother after loving her as my own for 6 years.
I thank Jehovah because before this had happened which was a test of trusting him, he prepared my heart so although I hurt for the loss, I am believing that she will come back to me someday and I can adopt her.
You see in order for the devil to have to restore what he had stolen from me I had to go through my fear of loving a child and then losing her to someone else.
I had a lot of repenting to do …I stopped fornicating out of wedlock at that time and just sought after learning the truth of God. I was learning how to trust what he was telling me. I was so confused on who I was hearing in my spirit because I had lived my life for me for so long. I now had to learn the difference between my voice and Gods.
I prayed that he would forgive me for all of those things that he had shown me. In God’s Mercy his words finally came true WHEN he restored what the devil had stolen from me. After I had repented, and I truly meant it. He restored a daughter through being a foster parent.
I wound up fostering a little girl whose mother died, raised her for 7 years and then lost her to her grandmother when I had to repent for forging a document that the little girl’s mother had made me Power of attorney over before she died….her death wish was that I would raise the child but I forged the power of attorney by putting down the mothers social security number in fear that I could lose the little girl and not follow through with the mothers wish.
She became my daughter that God had restored to me through being a foster parent after I repented and truly was sorrowful for what I had done against him and others including my babies. See she had lost a mother and a father and God was restoring to her what the devil had stolen from her as well.
This little girl’s mom and me were praying to break the generational curse off of our families right before the mother died and the little girl’s father died before she was even born.
Somehow, I had thought you know that fear that hits you right before you make a decision was of God but it isn’t, unless it is based on his word, it is the devil masquerading as the angel of light.
I was devastated that I had hurt this little girl trying to do what her mother wanted me to do. My fear was that I would fall in love with her and then I would lose her. Not to mention that I had learned to trust and love the grandmother while I got to know her. I now had hurt her as well, I had to call her up and tell her that I had forged this document and that I was used of the devil to steal her granddaughter from her.
I was so ashamed what I had done, more so because I truly believed that it was God showing me how to keep my daughter.
I couldn’t believe that the LORD had allowed me to be deceived like that, he knew how much I hated hurting people or seeing them hurt but I had to trust him that he had a plan.
Jehovah showed me that he allowed the deception because Satan had to restore what he had stolen from me, my friend and her daughter. He is breaking a generational curse, but the grandmother was part of that generational curse.
You see, we thought that it was between me, my friend and her daughter. Remember I was loyal to my friends, not to outsiders.
God was expanding my heart to teach me how to lay down my life for those that weren’t my friends to begin with, but then they became my friends.
He showed me that the grandmother had lost a daughter to death and he needed to show her mercy as well and his faithfulness to restore.
He was using this little girl to restore two family’s that had lost children. I told Jehovah that as long as I could understand it, I could be brave and go through my fear.
He was amazing to tell me his plans. I cried that that plan had to hurt this little girl and her grandmother. My fear had come true….Though I had not given birth to her , she became my daughter and after I gave her back to her grandmother ..I was removed from the little girl’s life ..I have thought about her every day, I pray for her and I pray for God to restore us all as a family. [email protected] or Bible-Christian.org