Once I was lost and confused and now, I am able to share my testimony of Jehovah’s [God’s] faithfulness. He never let me go once I returned to him. Now I can reach out to others like yourself that need healing.
My heart cries for your heart, for I have experienced some of your pain. I understand, I had similar things happen to me.
I grew up believing in the fairy tale that men would protect me, not use me and definitely not throw me away for another woman. I believed that I was special and would be treated as such. My dad treated me special, I looked like his mother.
That fairytale crashed when at 12 I was molested by one of my family members, at 15, I was pushed into sex through manipulation. At 16, I found out that my father had been cheating on my mother with numerous women and then throwing them in her face as though they were better than her. Then at 17, I was raped by two men because I was beautiful, they said.
Not to mention …. At the age of ten my uncle died by committing suicide, I blamed God because my uncle came over for a few minutes before driving away to buy the gun. I said IF only you had told me God that he was going to take his life, I could have stopped him and he would not be in hell right now. You see I grew up Baptist and that is what they believed about suicide, so I was in such torment as a ten year old.
So to me, men were horrible towards women and they were the opposite of what I believed them to be and I blamed Jehovah [God] for them being that way. I couldn’t believe that Jehovah would put men over us women and wanted us to humbly submit to them when they were liars, manipulators, cheaters and users.
My dad cheating on my mother taught me that men wanted devils in the bedroom and an angel on their arm. She told me the type of women he chose. They were loose women, not pure ones. My parents would eventually get divorced after 40 years because my father just couldn’t stop cheating and my mother was tired of being alone. This devastated me because I had prayed that God would fix their marriage.
I grew up hating men…all the men that I trusted had failed me including God because his word had told me that he would keep me safe while I was sleeping, well, when I got molested it was in the middle of the night while I was sleeping ….so you guessed it. I called God a liar and turned away from him, so the more men hurt me the more I hated God but I didn’t realize that it was hatred towards him…I knew that I was mad at him. I thought he hated me because of all the bad things that I had done.
I grew up so confused about this world that we live in and the spiritual realm and how God helps us and how a word from the Bible could help me. I was so lost, angry and I blamed God because he brought me into this world.
All that I wanted was my fairytale. What I was living was ‘Hell’ and torment and I believed that God had his favorites. I wasn’t one of them.
I went from a bright eyed four-year-old little girl that prayed at night that Jesus would come sleep with me and protect me, to an angry teenager, adult and woman that was ready to commit suicide at the age of 26.
However, God had another plan to intercede on my behalf, he sent me a man that didn’t want sex from me just a date, he began to ask me questions about myself which made me uneasy. I had such guilt, shame, fear and condemnation in my heart.
You could see the light of God shine through his eyes as he spoke about God’s love for me and all I could feel is that he could possibly see all my shame that I was living in. I couldn’t look him in the face because of my shame…The only thing he kept telling me, no matter what I said to him was go back to God, he loves you so much!
That night I returned to God and actually learned his name was Jehovah in Exodus 6:3 KJV, 3 “And I appeared unto Abraham, unto Isaac, and unto Jacob, by the name of God Almighty, but by my name JEHOVAH was I not known to them.” God also taught me these things:
First that I had called him the liar and needed to repent. This is what the Pharisees did to Jesus. You see I didn’t call Jesus a liar, I believed in Jesus, but I called the Word of God a liar. It is all a trap from the enemy to steal our salvation. Mark 3:28-30 King James Version (KJV)
28 Verily I say unto you, All sins shall be forgiven unto the
sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme:
29 But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation.
30 Because they said, He hath an unclean spirit.
He showed me that I couldn’t believe in Jesus and not his Word because Jesus was the Word come in the flesh. I was binding his hands by my unbelieving heart.
2 Corinthians 4:4
4 In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.
29 Or else how can one enter into a strong man’s house, and spoil his goods, except he first bind the strong man? and then he will spoil his house.
10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. God showed me that I needed to forgive these men including my father and mother, Matthew 18:21-35.
21 Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my
brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
22 Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
23 Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.
24 And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.
25 But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.
26 The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
27 Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.
28 But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellow servants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.
29 And his fellow servant fell down at his feet, and besought
him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
30 And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.
31 So when his fellow servants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.
32 Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:
33 Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellow servant, even as I had pity on thee?
34 And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.
35 So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not everyone his brother their trespasses.
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God;
lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be
There it was…this is why I was so tormented day and night…I had not forgiven any of them for what they had done to me. It was a root of bitterness that had grown in my heart. So now what do I do?
God’s word showed me what to do…. I had to pray for them to be blessed…WHAT!!! Matthew 5:44 King James Version (KJV)
44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; I have to tell you that the thought of blessing these men and everyone else who hurt me was like chomping on sharp nails. I cried so hard because I was so angry at what they had done to me, I blamed them for all of my hurt.
I told God if they hadn’t molested, raped and used me I could have had a chance at a good life just like everyone else. I couldn’t understand how blessing them was going to change how I felt or what they had done to me …God reminded me that his word was not contingent upon how I felt, but based off of who he is and his love for us all. He just wanted me to trust him and follow him….so I did. Tears and all…
I prayed that God would forgive me for judging my dad that he was a horrible husband to my mom. I judged that my dad was using money as a payoff to my mother for not being able to give her the love that she so needed and desired. I judged that my father was a cold man and didn’t know how to love.
The only time that I ever saw him cry was when my mother forced me to tell him that I had been raped, so I blamed myself for his tears. I resented her for forcing me to tell him. I judged that if he would have been a godly man, husband and father then all of us women would have known what it was like to be loved and I wouldn’t have gone out looking for love in all of the wrong places. I asked God to forgive me for whatever judgements that he was bringing up in me about my father.
I judged that my father looked down on me because of my failed relationships. In fact he made fun of me a lot saying that I don’t want the good guys I just want the bad ones. I resented him for his mockery. I had to ask God to forgive me for judging that he was a bad father and then I had to go ask my father to forgive me for judging him. This was hard for me to do but I did…I felt the shame on my face as I told him that I had judged him and that I was sorry.
I told him that God told me that I had dishonored him through my judgements. It was through my repentance that my father was able to share his heart with me that he had never meant to hurt me with his jokes and he told me that he just wants to see me happy. There was a healing that happened that day, but I had to walk through the shame to get it. Eventually because I did what the word had told me to do the shame came off of me and I no longer felt any guilt…it was amazing I did not get into specifics unless he asked me how I judged him. I think that I told him about me judging him for using his money to buy off my mother. Anyway, repent with the words the Holy Spirit gives you…it is always Spirit led when we are repenting to the ones that we have hurt.
I prayed that God would bless my dad with salvation, true love because this was after he was divorced with my mother, I prayed for his healing, I prayed that he would find peace, joy and happiness. I prayed this same prayer every day until God lifted that heaviness off of me and I truly did forgive my dad.
I prayed that God would forgive me for judging my mother and hating her for using me as a middle person between her and my father. I judged that she was trying to destroy my image that I had of my father. I judged that she was cruel for blaming me for my own rape and I judged that she hated me because she was always trying to tell my dad how bad that I was. I had judged that she was jealous of my relationship with him and wanted to destroy it.
Then I had to go and ask her to forgive me for my judgements. I think I shared more of my judgements with her because she asked a lot of questions. We both cried as she explained her reasoning’s behind all the things that she did and said. She told me that she never meant to hurt me. There was healing that day but again…I had to walk through the shame of telling her how I had judged her…
Then every night I prayed that God would bless her with salvation, true love, healing, peace, joy and happiness and that God would forgive me for sinning against them as they had sinned against me and I prayed that they would forgive me as well…I prayed this daily until God lifted that heaviness off of me and I truly did forgive her for hurting me.
I finally saw my parents as two people that were trying to raise children in the midst of a broken relationship and truly believed they did the best that they could. My father was raised without knowing what love was and he grew up believing that it was having all of those ‘come get me feelings’ and when he lost them he believed there wasn’t real love.
Another testimony: Another test…. but I am passing…because I am forgiving again =) So now that I had found forgiveness for my parents when I became 50, I married a man that wound up cheating on me. He was a critical man just like my father was to my mom. He said some very vile things to me and called me a lot of bad names. He tried so hard to cause me to doubt who I was in Christ, but God didn’t let him move me from who I was. But he did break my heart.
What he did cause me pain in …is that I finally got to understand why my mother has had such a difficult time forgiving my father. My husband went out and found a girl online that was the opposite of me. She had no restrictions in the bedroom and she posted it all over Facebook.
He didn’t tell me that he had met someone and replaced me, he let her blast a post on Facebook that they were getting married and had her picture kissing my husband.
The sad thing is I didn’t know he had left me because though he was not in the house for sic weeks his stuff was still at the house and he texted me every day. I thought that he was just having a standoff of emotions, but he would go to God and it would be fixed. That’s not what was happening…
So to make a very long story short. This devastated me I tried to take him back and forgive him but he kept doing it so I knew that I had no choice but to divorce him for adultery.
She rubbed my face in her relationship with my husband…even told me sexual positions that he did to her and how she liked it….she had an evil spirit …she just wanted him no matter who she hurt…I began to realize that he had the same spirit that she did and they had more in common than me and him and there was no use fighting anymore. They were children of the flesh and I was a child of the light.
The devils intention was to manipulate me into becoming that dirty girl all over again from my youth so that he could steal my testimony of purity.
Jehovah didn’t let that happen when he removed his Spirit from me trying to work things out with my husband, I finally let go. I was devastated, I wanted Jehovah to fix my marriage and I thought that as long as I hung in there that there was a chance of restoration.
He was not that godly man that he had claimed to be when I married him and I was not going to continue to let him defile my soul with his rebellion to God and the demons he was transferring to me from her sexually, were nasty. I could feel their presence …
The only thing that was happening was I was a fool to believe that he loved me enough to change. God showed me that my husband honored him with his lips but his heart was far from him…I knew that if Jehovah’s presence was gone only bad things were coming..
I had no idea that my words had come back to me “that a man wanted a devil in the bedroom and an angel on his wing.” The Holy Spirit reminded me of my saying …he showed me that I reaped what I had believed…He showed me my judgement on my dad…
I was devastated to find out that this marriage was all a test sent from the enemy, my husband pretended to be a man of God when in fact God proved him to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Jehovah showed me that I reaped my judgements against my mom and dad and that the generational curse of divorce is now cut off…in Jesus name…
SOOOOOOOOO……I divorced him and started praying the same prayer for him and her every night that God would forgive them for hurting me and that they would forgive me for hurting them and that God would forgive us all for sinning against him…
I pray that they would find repentance and find salvation and truly get to know Jehovah [Jesus]. I pray that they will find their true love, I pray that they will have a home and find peace and joy…in Jesus name…. just like before. Every day that I pray this I am getting free again….because the devil can’t steal from me since I know the truth of God’s Word and it works when we do what he tells us to do thru it.