Question: Sir – I divorced my spouse of 26 years in 2007. He was verbally abusive and very mean spirited. I’ve since gotten into the Word (we are both Christians), and I realize that I had no right/authority to divorce him. I would love to reconcile with him, but he is seeing someone else now, but is seriously considering it.
I have read your response to the person who asked if they had to reveal their adultery to their spouse. You replied yes…they needed to do so. I have been in sooo many adulterous relationships…that I do not even know if I can remember all of them. I have prayed to God for forgiveness and I realize that I need to do the same for my ex spouse.
Should I just give up on the reconciliation since I have all this sin to confess? He was badly hurt by the divorce, badly hurt…I’m thinking I should leave well enough alone and just move on.
I guess I need confirmation that I should let him go, enjoy his new lady, whilst I remain single. If I were to remarry, would I be still be committing adultery since my first marriage vows were already broken? We did not divorce over adultery…we probably would have had he known about it. But, are we still married in God’s eyes? I say no…but just asking.
I have turned away from that lifestyle. And I have broken off any relationships while waiting to see if the ex wants to get back together. Would he be better off just moving on without me? I guess if we were to reconcile, and I tell him this, it would cause sooo much more pain for him. He was almost suicidal after the divorce…it pains me to hurt him even more.
Thanks for any insight and prayer for my situation.
Answer: First of all, you say that your ex-husband was verbally abusive and mean spirited. Has this changed? If not, I would be very careful about reconciling, since you do not want to put yourself back into an abusive situation.
Were the adulterous relationships before you were married, during your marriage, or after your divorce? If they were before your marriage, then he should have already been told before your marriage that you had had sexual relations with men prior to your marriage.
If the adultery took place during your marriage, then he has every right to know that you committed adultery. He needs to know that there was possible exposure to AIDS or other STD’s.
If you had sexual relations after your divorce he would only need to know about them if he is wanting to reconcile. That would be information that he would need to consider when thinking of reconciliation. If you determine that you need to tell your ex-husband about your adultery, he does not need to know all of the details.
It would not make a difference how many men or how many times it happened. It would be more important to know why the adultery took place and what would prevent it from happening again. This would probably take some counseling by a Christian counselor or pastor. If you do reconcile, both of you would need counseling, both separately and together.
When did you become a Christian? Once you become a Christian (asking Jesus to come into your heart and forgive your sin), your sin is forgiven. You start out with a clean slate. You are justified-just as if you hadn’t sinned. God does not hold your sin against you. “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” (Psalm 103:12)
“Come now, and let us reason together, says the Lord, Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18) I suggest that you also read our tract Jesus forgives adulterers.
So, why confess having sexual relations with other people? Not to load you down with guilt, but because of health issues that can result from sexual relations with different partners.
Whether you reconcile or meet someone new and remarry-that person needs to know that you have had sexual relationships with multiple partners.
No matter if you marry or stay single, you need to learn to forgive yourself. You also need to make sure that what you do is what God wants you to do. You can only know this by studying God’s Word daily, praying, fellowshipping and having mature Christians who know God’s word to talk with, counsel with, and be held accountable to.
There is another question I have answered on the question of remarriage and adultery that can probably answer that part of your question.
If you have more questions, just write again.
In Christian love,
Gary and Marlene Panell
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