From the time that I was age four, I can remember comparing myself to other little girls. I was born with a birth mark on the calf of my leg that consists of veins and a missing layer of skin. I hated it and I thought it to be ugly. I used an ink pen one time to cover up the whole birth mark. I would rather have had a black leg than a deformity as I saw it in my own eyes. To me as a child, I was built wrong.
As I continued to age I noticed more differences with my siblings. All of my siblings had blond hair and blue eyes and looked like my mom. Not me, I had darker hair and green eyes, I took after my father’s side. I was told that I looked like my grandmother, my dad’s mom.
I continued to compare myself to my mother and other girls and what I saw to be a woman was someone who liked to cook, clean, sew and they were more feminine than I was. I was tough, I loved to wrestle with guys and sometimes I even felt that I was stronger than them. It was probably more in my head than reality but I still felt stronger than some of the men that were attracted to me. I even laughed at God’s Word where He said that women are the weaker vessel…I sure didn’t feel weak.
I remember the first time that my boyfriend cried I thought he was weak and I just didn’t understand those types of feelings because I just wouldn’t cry in front of others. It was like that part had been closed off in me. I was often teased when I was younger for being so sensitive so I tried to kill that sensitivity in me and as I killed it off, I judged others to be weak that cried in front of me. I wondered why I couldn’t have the same feelings for guys that my friends seemed to have for their boyfriends. They seemed to be like crazy about them but for me it was just different. It was like I really liked them but something was missing and I just couldn’t understand what it was.
Boys seemed to like me a lot but it really appeared as though they liked me because I was a challenge. I was always told that I was beautiful and a tough cookie to crack. I didn’t fall all over guys, it was fun having a boyfriend but I just didn’t know what real love was, nor did I know what it looked like. I was looking for that feeling that just came over me that made me want to be with my boyfriend all of the time, but what I found was when we first started to date it was great I liked my boyfriend a lot, but then as time went on my feelings changed so I thought that it wasn’t true love, so I moved on to the next one.
I was 12 when I got my first boyfriend, this was also the age that I got molested by someone that I was related to. I seemed to shut everything down emotionally after that, because I pushed down what had happened to me and just wanted to forget it ever happened. To me, it was a gross act and I had horrible shame that came on me and as you have read I was already dealing with shame about my leg and feeling like I wasn’t a whole person. This just made it worse.
I blocked the act in my mind and escaped into fantasy in hopes to make things my fault, so that I could live with what happened to me. In my pride I always believed that I could protect myself because I was tough. This is not what happened. So, in my pride I tried to change things to make it my fault.
The next few things caused me to hate men because at 15 I was pushed into sex through manipulation and at 17 I was raped by 2 men. I never got help because my pride just wanted to make it go away and not relive it.
So to make a long story short , I married, got divorced and continued to go through many failed relationships, so then I began to wonder if maybe my failed relationships were because I wasn’t meant to be a girl, maybe that was why I fantasized about having sex with women while I was with a guy. Maybe that was why I loved sports and hated all the other things girls did…Maybe that’s why I was so tough, maybe that’s why I couldn’t make these relationships work. Maybe that’s why my feelings died? But I knew the Bible told me that homosexuality was a sin and I didn’t seem to be attracted physically to a particular woman, when I fantasized in my head it was just with dark figures but still when I thought about men in the bedroom, I couldn’t have an orgasm. I felt trapped in a dead-end situation and the hurt was so deep because I wanted to be loved so bad and I wanted to love someone back. I wanted to feel that closeness that others had in their relationships but I wasn’t finding it. All I was finding was hurt and disappointment and broken relationships.
So at the age of 26 when I became suicidal God got ahold of me and I made a vow that if he could do anything with my life I would give him all of the glory so I began to study the Word again.
First, he had me deal with my unforgiveness in my heart towards men, my mother and my father.
Then he began to unravel my judgements that Satan had been using to get me to believe his lies so that he could twist my spirit and make me out to be something that I was not meant to be and that was a man. I was created to be a woman and I have a purpose he taught me through his Word.
These are the judgements that I had to repent of:
First, that I had called God a liar when I laughed at him where in his Word he said that women are the weaker vessels.
Second, judgement that God created me wrong.
Third, judgement that my failed relationships were because I was the wrong gender, it was because a bitter root grew up in my heart through unforgiveness and created a prideful me.
Fourth, judgment that all men were going to use me for my beauty and my body, and that they were all alike.
Fifth, judgement that I could fantasize in my head about something while either touching myself or having sex with someone else and that it would never be exposed. My heart became hardened as that bitter root grew up and you cannot love and hate in the same heart.
I had to repent of all of these things and as he showed me through the Holy Spirit about my judgements. I prayed that he would forgive me for each one. What happened next did not come over night, but as I continued to study and ask the Holy Spirit about my guilt, my shame and I have watched and felt as he has realigned my spirit and I feel feminine just like a woman does, but I still do not like to cook or sew….but I am healed and though I still have not found my MR. Wonderful …I am ready to love and to let someone love me…it just isn’t time yet….but I have learned how my incorrect judgments of myself and my image of myself created an angry person because I was never satisfied and always full of shame, guilt and fear. I don’t have any of those feelings anymore….Praise to Jehovah [God].