Question: Follow up question and answer. Thank you very much for your reply. My fiancé had these affairs after he got saved, he was not a strong Christian. I just learned that affair which involved a child claims, happened after he and I were in a relationship, during our first year together.
He said he denied it was not his child because it was not real sex he had with the lady but sodomy. He had just been set up, he claims. It was not proven whether he was the father, even though his family got concerned and wanted facts. He also adds on to say, he has repented and wants to start afresh.
I got saved at a very young age. Since then God word has always been my guide in my life. I have always believed in abstinence and wanted to keep myself pure for my future husband and that’s why I chose to remain a virgin. I had made this clear to my fiancé from the very beginning of our relationship and he agreed and said he also didn´t believe in sex before marriage. Life was good in the beginning, we prayed and shared the Bible together. I have always been open with him though for him it seemed not to be easy to talk about some things about his life.
I discovered he had a strong attraction to a woman he worked with just after our engagement. Likely the lady did not want to get involved with him because he was engaged though they had a few dates for just a month and she left to work elsewhere in a different country, but they continued to communicate through emails. I discovered this when he told me to check his emails due to an application he was tracking for his career.
Our relationship was disturbed because I did not know what else he had done. At first he denied it but then he finally admitted that he had a special relationship with the lady, but had stopped communicating to her. I then asked him whether he had been sleeping around, but with no clear answer, he suggested that we go for an HIV/AIDS test to prove that he was trust worthy.
He finally opened up to tell me that he had been sleeping around in the past. I was shocked, especially that all happened after he was saved, it broke my heart. I made an appointment to have testing done for STDs because if this relation had a future, then I had to know if he had contracted any STDS or HIV/AIDS before I become his wife (that is if the wedding will take place).
I have told him I don’t know if he will ever be faithful to me. I just have mixed feeling about the whole issue, though he insists that I should trust him. I am still very sad state and disappointed, because I thought he was caring and responsible. He still says he loves me but I can´t believe him anymore. As a Christian I know I have to forgive him, but my heart is still in pain and not ready to take him.
Answer: Thank you for answering the questions we had.
We need to start off by letting you know that we cannot make any decisions for you. All we can do is pray and share from God’s Word what we feel He is showing us.
You said that your fiancé had these affairs after he was saved. This raises a big red flag of warning! “Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a harlot? Certainly not! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.
“Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” (1 Corinthians 6:15 – 20)
This passage is referring to when God created Adam and Eve. In Genesis 2:24 God stated that a man should leave his mother and father and cleave (or cling) to his wife only. Jesus also repeats this in Matthew 19:4 – 6. God intended for sex to be a physical symbol of a man and woman becoming one flesh in marriage.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.” (Eph. 5:25 – 28)
I know that this passage from Ephesians is talking to people who are already married. However, in the time this was written, an engagement was as legally binding as the wedding, except they did not have sex. When Joseph and Mary were betrothed (engaged), it was discovered that Mary was pregnant. Legally, Joseph could have had her stoned to death for what he believed to be unfaithfulness on her part. God intervened and God’s Son, Jesus was born of a virgin as a result!
God views sexual immorality as serious. That’s why in the Old Testament the people were told to stone to death a person who was caught committing such a sin. Leviticus 20:10 – 21 describes some of the sexual acts and how serious God considers these sins. There are many other passages in the Old Testament that talk about sexual relations outside of marriage.
We are not under the law, but we under grace. Let’s look at what the Son of God and the New Testament say about sexual immorality. Jesus said “You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.” (Matthew 5:27 – 30)
I will list other passages you can look up on this. Matthew 15:17 – 20, Mark 7:21 – 23, 1 Cor. 5: 5 – 7, 1 Cor. 6: 9 – 11, Heb. 12: 14 – 16, Hew. 13:4, Rev. 21: 7 – 8, Rev. 22: 14 – 15.
God views immorality and adultery as serious. In Malachi 2:16a God states that He hates divorce. Yet, in Matt. 5:32 and Matt. 19:9 – God tells us that divorce is not allowed except for adultery or sexual immorality.
In 1 Corinthians 5: 9 – 11 we are told to not associate with a person who claims to be a brother (Christian) who is sexually immoral. “ I wrote to you in my epistle not to keep company with sexually immoral people. Yet I certainly did not mean with the sexually immoral people of this world, or with the covetous, or extortioners, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner- not even to eat with such a person.”
We would seriously question your fiancé’s salvation or claim to being a Christian based upon several of the Scriptures already given, and the following verses. Matthew 7:21, Gal. 5: 19 – 21, Eph. 5: 3-11, Col. 3: 5 – 10, 1 Thess. 4: 3 – 8.
We also seriously question the fact that your fiancé admits to committing sodomy. This is strictly forbidden by God! Look at the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 18: 16 – 19: 29. Also look at Lev. 18: 22 – 23 and Lev. 20: 13 – 16. Here is part of an answer we gave in another question about sodomy and fornication:
I believe that (1 Corinthians 6:9) ADDRESSES THIS ISSUE. “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites…” In the New King James Version, the verse mentions ‘sodomites.’ The word sodomy has a 3—part definition. The definition is: 1) Anal copulation of one male with another (homosexuality) 2) anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex (oral sex) and 3) copulation with an animal (bestiality). (The American Heritage Dictionary, Second College Edition) Read the complete question and answer.
I believe this passage (1 Cor. 6:9) makes it clear that sodomy is not acceptable to God.
Our concern is not that your fiancé may have fathered a child, but that he committed sexual immorality while claiming to be a Christian, and after making a commitment to you that he would be faithful to you by becoming engaged. There is also a concern not just for contracting HIV/AIDs, but there are other more prevalent STDs that he could have been exposed to and give to you on your wedding night. It is said in sex education classes that when you have sex with a person, you are having sex with all of the sex partners they had, and with each of their sex partners. That’s a lot of exposure to a lot of different diseases!
Your fiancé seems to be a person who enjoys the challenge of sexual encounters. You presented a challenge when you told him that you did not believe in having sex before marriage. So what happens after he marries you? How will he be able to stay faithful? Only God can cause a person to be pure and Holy. It starts with a person admitting that they have sinned, asking Jesus to come into their heart and take away their sin, and then repent or turn away from their sin.
A person who has received Christ, has a heart for God. This does not mean that they are perfect, but when they commit sin, they are immediately convicted and want to have that sin forgiven. (1 John 1:9).
A Christian will also want to serve God. Not only will a Christian read the Bible daily, pray, and attend church; but they will want to share God’s Word with others. This could be done in many different ways such as: going out to witness to a public place, sharing the Gospel with friends or family, teach a Sunday School class, having a Bible Study, singing in the choir, etc.
I (Marlene) have had some strong urgings, which I believe are from God.
1) You need to know that God made you unique and perfect. He has a plan for your life, which was made before you were even conceived. You might want to read all of Psalm 139.
“For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You” (Psalm 139: 13 – 18).
If God’s plan is for you to be married, he had that man planned just for you. You need to do some serious Bible study and praying in order to know if you fiancé is in fact the man God has designed and planned for you to marry.
2) You did not indicate in any way that your fiancé is violent or aggressive; however, I have felt strongly in my spirit that if you were to postpone or cancel your wedding that he may react with some violence or aggression. Therefore, I would urge you to have a 3rd person present if you decide to postpone or cancel your wedding.
3) Should you forgive your fiancé for his unfaithfulness? Yes. However, forgiveness does not mean that you have to marry him. Forgiveness actually helps you to not become bitter over the wrong committed against you. I too, would question your fiancé’s ability to be faithful. I do not believe you would be able to trust him unless there were some dramatic changes in his heart and life. These changes would have to be demonstrated over a great length of time, not just 3 months.
Your fiancé seems to be able to use words well in order to minimize any damage which his actions may bring. In other words, he has an excuse or reason why he does what he does, but doesn’t take responsibility for his actions.
Seriously seek God about this marriage. Find a good Bible-believing Christian counselor – who can help you forgive and grieve through the use of God’s Word!
In Christian love,
Gary and Marlene