Question: I’m a Christian and still a virgin, but I have a fiancé and our wedding is soon. My fiancé, who also says he is a Christian, has not been all that open about his past relationships though the only thing he has told me is that he had had several. We have been together for a long time and we got engaged a while ago. He has always told me he did not believe in sex before marriage.
I had asked him whether he was a virgin but he could not give me a clear answer. It was until recently that he told me that he is not a virgin. He first had sex intercourse when he was a teenager and he had intercourse with other ladies he was just attracted to. He said he could not control himself, but now he is able to. It went to the extent that at one point five years ago, he was accused of being the father of the baby of one of the ladies he had slept with but he denied it. He says that since he’s known me his life has really changed. For once he wants to be faithful.
I feel cheated, because all along he behaved like all was well and we had so much in common. I had saved myself for some one who had the same beliefs as I did concerning marriage and sex. Someone who was a strong Christian and a God fearing man. He said he could not tell me the truth because he feared he would lose me.
I just feel I loved the wrong man who pretended to be what he was not. I have mixed feelings and am unsure of whether to go on in this relationship. I just don´t know what to do. I really need your advice.
Answer: Thank you for your question. We feel we need more information in order to give an adequate answer. One thing we need to know, is if your fiancé had these affairs before or after he was saved? This would definitely change the way we would answer your question!
When he says he could not control himself, what has caused him to be able to control himself now? If it is not becoming a Christian and allowing Christ to control him, then I would question the permanency of his ability to control his sexual drives.
We are also concerned because you have known him for several years, and yet you are just learning about his various affairs. When this woman accused him of being the father of her child, was it proven that he was not? Or did he just deny it? You should require proof, in case there should be some child support issues that may come up later.
It is commendable that he wants to be faithful to you. However, we question his ability to do so if it is in his own strength. A marriage must be based upon Christ. Christ, Bible study, prayer together, and attending church must be the center of a marriage relationship in order for it to last. Since you are having some real problems with accepting your fiancé and questioning whether you should get married, I would say that this may be the Lord speaking to you. Take time to listen to Him. Pray and study your Bible. This may be the time to postpone the wedding until you get some clear direction from God on if this is truly the man He intended for you.
Please write back and answer these questions and then we will try to give you a more complete answer, using God’s Word.
We will be praying for you. We know this is a hard thing. Trust God. He will always be there for you!!
In Christian love,
Gary and Marlene Panell
For more information email me.